User contributions for Jemaleddin
From Apocrypals Apocrypha
Jump to navigationJump to search
- 18:09, 7 December 2021 diff hist +13 Episode List
- 18:09, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,360 N Pretty Sus, Lesbius Created page with "==Show Notes== Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew’s friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it’s a good show anyway. Promise. Topics of Discussion: The importance of being f..."
- 18:09, 7 December 2021 diff hist +281 N Guess the Persona-fied Bible Character Created page with "==Show Notes== In this special piece of bonus content, Chris tries to stump Benito with images of the depictions of biblical and apocryphal figures in the popular JRPG Persona 5. Can Benito summon all the might of the Guess-o-tron 5000 to aid him in this time of great tribulation?"
- 18:08, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,020 N The Goku of Judaism Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It’s the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we’re reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It’s exactly as rad as it sounds. Topics of Discussion: AHH!BBA, a spooky film recommendation, the RAMBAM, the RADR, etc, the Appalachians of Dracula, Barovia, a very suspect ingredient,..."
- 18:08, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,440 N An Abyss of Significant Depth Created page with "==Show Notes== I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influe..."
- 18:08, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,376 N Little Martha and the Small Vandellas Created page with "==Show Notes== Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude’s wack standards, that’s saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history..."
- 18:07, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,222 N Approximate Week IV: OblIVion Created page with "==Show Notes== Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It’s been a while, yes, but we’re back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus’s stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife. Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin..."
- 18:07, 7 December 2021 diff hist +220 N Cephalo4: Protect Yr Neck Created page with "==Show Notes== In this special YouTube exclusive Benito-only Apocrypals episode, we discuss the disturbingly robust subgenre of saints known as cephalophores, beheaded folk who carried their own heads around post mortem."
- 18:07, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,556 N Slayer of Men, Conqueror of Space Created page with "==Show Notes== I think you’ll agree, Theophiloi, that while texts containing actual stories about things like 12’ werewolf saints and angel jacuzzis are nice, the real action here on our goodtime comedy podcast is in non-narrative, fragmented gnostic texts about how good is not good, evil is not evil, Jesus is made of bread, and also he had French babies. We’re diving once more into the geometry that inspired the Da Vinci Code (and, you know, the whole thing about..."
- 18:06, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,621 N The Me In This Story Is You Created page with "==Show Notes== CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault with regards to the story of Amnon and Tamar, beginning right after the ad break and ending at 26:00. If I had to rank them, Theophiloi, I’d say that the most wildly violent pieces of media I have ever taken in through the eyeballs are Doom 2016, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and the Second Book of Samuel. Unlike the first two, this one’s not all fun, but we do eventually get to the po..."
- 18:06, 7 December 2021 diff hist +560 N Double Chai: Rock Me, Asmodeus Created page with "==Show Notes== In this bonus episode, Benito goes solo to tell the Jewish legend of King Solomon matching wits with the Prince of Demons. Check out the Apocrypals podcast here: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/ Hear Asmodeus's other starring role in our episode on the Book of Tobit: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/13-bonu... Learn about Solomon using demon power to build the Temple in our episode on The Testament of Solomon: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/25-butt... If you..."
- 18:05, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,549 N Worfin’ the Lions Created page with "==Show Notes== If you told me three years ago, Theophiloi, that the most famous king in Bible was not in the book called “Kings” but was instead in the part named after a dude who is neither present nor alive for the entire thing, I would’ve been real salty about it. Fortunately,, what it lacks in its title character, Sammy Deuce more than makes up for in sheer violence. It’s so much that we had to split it into two, because much like the Mountain Goats, King Dav..."
- 18:05, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,605 N 2000 B.C. Created page with "==Show Notes== You may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in thi..."
- 18:05, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,128 N A Miserable Pile of Secrets Created page with "==Show Notes== We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT? Topics of Discussion: Listen, I'm not going to lie to you here, we talk about a LOT of stuff in th..."
- 18:04, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,504 N Crisis On 18,000 Earths Created page with "==Show Notes== We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little..."
- 18:04, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,488 N God Junior Created page with "==Show Notes== Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tack..."
- 18:04, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,356 N Old Clootie Created page with "==Show Notes== As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce..."
- 18:03, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,972 N Just One More Thing Created page with "==Show Notes== You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint...."
- 18:03, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,342 N Speedrun Tactics Created page with "==Show Notes== We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere!..."
- 18:03, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,392 N Sedeqetelebab! Created page with "==Show Notes== As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important thin..."
- 18:02, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,428 N Sometimes It's Just Sucky Created page with "==Show Notes== It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint! Topics of..."
- 18:02, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,509 N The Deadliest Skambush of Them All Created page with "==Show Notes== CONTENT WARNING: The text covered in this episode contains a scene of sexual assault, discussed starting at 1:38:00. Happy Gentile New Year, Theophiloi! Like Merle Haggard, we have made it through December, and we're treating ourselves to what is probably the rawest book in Bible — which unfortunately includes what Luke T. Harrington has called the most depraved passage in the whole book. What better to greet 2021 than with that sort of up-and-down rolle..."
- 18:02, 7 December 2021 diff hist +342 N Bill Bless Us, Every Ted Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! We've wrapped up the show for the year, but before we get to these last few days of kicking back with a nice hot chocolate and a cup of coffee for St. Lucy, we're inviting you to join us for our Christmastime gift exchange. Plus: a very, very short apocryphal text about Baby Jesus bustin' up rocks!"
- 18:01, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,703 N Marys Christmas Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary. Yeah, apparently the whole "be not afraid" stuff happened to her first, but don't worry. Jesus gets his own unique adventures in tami..."
- 18:01, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,434 N MACCABEES Created page with "==Show Notes== Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's......"
- 18:01, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,238 N The Blessed Voltrons Created page with "==Show Notes== Advent continues apace, Theophiloi, and we're celebrating with two of the most famous and popular lady saints, St. Barbara and St. Catherine! Babs and Cathy are here to visit total ruination upon the devil (who, sadly, does not actually appear in these stories) using explosions of various sizes. I'm not gonna lie, it gets a little grim, but c'mon. You know how most saints became saints by now, right? Topics of discussion: Quibbling with Martinmas, Advent..."
- 18:00, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,415 N Filling the Room Created page with "==Show Notes== If you thought the Song of Solomon was going to be a tough one for us to get through with our "Clean" tag intact, Theophiloi, brace yourselves for the Life of St. Martin. With a translation that almost has to be purposefully nasty, we're kicking off Advent with the 100% true and factual story of Martin of Tours, the saint who cured the sick, raised the dead, and ruined at least one funeral. Plus: the Devil! Like... a lot of the Devil! Topics of Discussion..."
- 18:00, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,494 N Lazer Babies Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy Halloween, DRACULA-philoi, and pre-SCARE to have your sins counted as we descend once more into HELL! Specifically the Hell described in the Apocalypse of Simon "The Rock" Peter, in which everyone's favorite teen apostle describes the many punishments that await sinners of varying quality in the afterlife. Let BOO-nito SCREAM-o and CRYPTS Sims (should've thought of that one for the show) guide you on a harrowing journey full of ironic punishments and..."
- 17:59, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,459 N Howl of the Ostrich Created page with "==Show Notes== If you've ever read Bible and thought "hey, this is great but I wish it had dudes just unleashing straight metaphorical fire on workers of iniquity," then allow your humble Sons of Thunder to introduce you to Micah and Nahum. What these two prophets lack in verbosity, they more than make up for in sheer scorching anger. Just wait'll you get to Nahum 3:19, Theophiloi. It's wild. (Note: There's a stretch in this episode where Chris sounds like he's recording..."
- 17:59, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,396 N Be Courageous! Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy New Year, Theophiloi! That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah time, and we are 100% Done In 5781™. Also done? Joshua, whose journey to become the second Moses is going to take him down the path of mass murders and detailed land allotments, which is basically what the entire Old Testament is if you really get down to it. Get ready to break down the walls and Be Courageous, because we've got some neck-steppin' to do! It's the podcast that you can still hear..."
- 17:59, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,341 N Cold Brew Paul Created page with "==Show Notes== One half of your humble Sons of Thunder is joining you from real-for-real quarantine, dear Theophiloi, but that won't stop us from griping our way through our first canonical New Testament book of this calendar year. What might stop us is Mr. Paul in prime form, declaring himself to know more about Jesus than anyone on Earth or in Heaven, but we try to get through it in an episode that could perhaps best be described as "adversarial." On the other hand, we..."
- 17:58, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,294 N Approximate Week Chapter 3: Parabellum Created page with "==Show Notes== If you seek birthdays, Theophiloi, prepare for war — the War Scroll, that is! As we celebrate the Approximate Week between our two personal nativities, we dive into the Dead Sea Scrolls for the first time to find out all about the best of seven series between the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness. Please note that these Sons of Light are not, like, half-angels or whatever, but they do write some extremely dope things on their swords. Topics of Disc..."
- 17:58, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,475 N Two Firkin Bored Created page with "==Show Notes== Having trouble sleeping, Theophiloi? Well here's an evangelion for you: this episode covers a letter written by the most boring person to ever cover a miracle. Get ready for intense table measurements, detailed MapQuest directions to Judea circa 250 BCE, and some day one philosophy class nonsense. It's the thrilling story of the Septuagint and the curse upon those who would alter it, which is mentioned maybe once in a document that is roughly eight thousan..."
- 17:57, 7 December 2021 diff hist +376 N Secret 69 Created page with "==Show Notes== Benito goes solo in this secret bonus episode covering a text so gross that Chris has expressly forbidden it from ever appearing on the show. SO DON'T TELL CHRIS. I tried to capture the spontaneity of the regular show, so I did this all in one take; please forgive the Discord alerts I couldn't figure out how to turn off and my cats fighting in the background."
- 17:57, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,643 N Thirst Corinthians Created page with "==Show Notes== Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting their way out of a tower. For Episode Nice, however, we're covering two women who took things in the opposite direction by having all the adult fun they possibly could and then chilling out once they were finished. Believe it or not, they have way more agency in t..."
- 17:56, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,733 N Scent of a Jesus Created page with "==Show Notes== Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses brought to us by New Testament Apocrypha Vol. 2, brought to us by translators Rick Brannan, Rebecca Draugho..."
- 17:56, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,576 N Bad Things to Call Your Mother Created page with "==Show Notes== Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked..."
- 17:56, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,380 N JeSuS With Two Cool Ses Created page with "==Show Notes== Pack your bags, Theophiloi, because we're going on a trip to India with Thomas, the Second Christ, who works hard and flays harder. Thanks to Dr. Tony Burke and his new book, New Testament Apocrypha Volume 2, hitting shelves this summer, we're taking a look at one of the weirder apostolic adventures, translated for the new book by Janet Spittler and Jonathan Holste. That ol' doubter Thomas is out to spread the word, and believe us, he's got skin in the gam..."
- 17:55, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,452 N Adonai is Ichiban! Created page with "==Show Notes== Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. Join us as Deuteronomy offers up a bunch of stuff we've already read, and a record YPP score (yikes per page). We gotta eat the vegetables before we get to Judges, folks. Topics of discussion: Benito's completely buck wild choice of a favorite candy seriously..."
- 17:55, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,335 N Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually Created page with "==Show Notes== It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by Nintendo of America, and barely approved by the LifeWay Christian Store, it's the extremely dubious catalogue of "Biblical" video games by Wisdom Tree. Join us as we spend a Sunday Funday waging Spiritual Warfare on some Bible Adventures. Don't forget Baby Mos..."
- 17:54, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,615 N Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither Created page with "==Show Notes== You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son of Man's Best Friend! Join us for the very official St. Roche "Pronounced Rock" Johnson and his li'l buddy Breadstick (patron saint of dogs) and the extremely disavowed St. Guinefort (patron saint of actually being a dog for real). Be warned: the dog does die..."
- 17:54, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,455 N Oh, the Jews' Manatees! Created page with "==Show Notes== One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest directions to the Promised Land, though, is some truly wild stuff, including the return of one of our favorite Biblical tropes, the talking animal that no one seems to think is odd in the slightest. Join us, but make sure to brace yourself for a whole lot of skante..."
- 17:54, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,632 N Countless Large Gregs Created page with "==Show Notes== Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it..."
- 17:53, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,256 N Joses Crust Created page with "==Show Notes== We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jesus, who was then sent to do a bunch of murders and be tortured in the City of the Man-Eaters. Or you could be Matthias, about whom nothing is known other than that he had to pretend to think he was a cow for about a month. Listen in this week as your humble So..."
- 17:53, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,244 N Source of the Flow Created page with "==Show Notes== Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly exhausted. It's not even the parts you know about that do it! It's the four chapters about skin care! Just go to Lush! Plus, a bitter argument about the weather that will ultimately destroy the show. Is this the end of the Apocrypals? Topics of discussion: En..."
- 17:52, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,212 N Blaise, Your Dead Homie Created page with "==Show Notes== Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February with a look at the ever-penetrated St. Sebastian, #1 pig recovery specialist St. Blaise, and the iron-willed patron of bellmakers, St. Agatha! Since we provide all the details of their martyrdom, I think we're technically a true crime podcast now, so increase you..."
- 17:52, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,346 N We Holy Ghost, Bro? Created page with "==Show Notes== Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the holy women in their swashbuckling adventure that was definitely not written by Mr. Paul. Also, we talk about what Jesus would be like if He was in Smash Bros., which takes up about fifteen minutes and is basically the entire premise of this show. Topics of Discu..."
- 17:51, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,104 N Welcome to the Bone Zone Created page with "==Show Notes== Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal horror movie prophecies for the iniquitous nations, and then takes a hard right turn into intensely specific blueprints for his visionary construction project. If you've ever wanted to know how prophets make their money, this is the episode that reveals all. To..."
- 17:51, 7 December 2021 diff hist +849 N The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby Created page with "==Show Notes== Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of Ezekiel, last of the major prophets. This absolute scroll-eating mad lad has a whole list of unsavory activities and breads that he wants to tell you about in detail. Don't listen to this one with your mom. Topics of discussion: The Greenlit Podcast Network, A..."
- 17:51, 7 December 2021 diff hist +1,096 N Our Favorite Murders Created page with "==Show Notes== Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown for years. Plus: our actual last-minute holiday gift guide! Topics of discussion: Benito's trip to Germany, the nature of Christkindl, Christmas Prince power rankings, the Karen and Georgia of a far less successful podcast, a Christmas present from the Canonip..."
