Episode List

From Apocrypals Apocrypha
Revision as of 13:43, 4 December 2021 by Jemaleddin (talk | contribs)
Jump to navigationJump to search
Episode Date Title Subject Source Show Notes
0 2018-03-29 I've Been To My Share of Pizza Parties nonspecific "Then, even if your beginnings were modest, your final days will be full of prosperity." -- Job 8:7

Welcome to Apocrypals, the podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible, but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comic book writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they embark on a complete, non-sequential journey from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way.

Before we dive into the Good Book, though, we sit down to explain exactly why we're doing this, what our goals are, and our own history with a particularly Southern brand of Christianity.

Topics of discussion: The music of Carman, "pizza parties," Wu Tang vs. Supreme Court vs. Apostles, raps about the Gospels, St. Brightside, Paul as the Captain America of the Apostles.

1 2018-04-08 Porky Party Acts New Testament "Look, you scoffers, marvel and vanish away, because I am doing a work in your days, a work that you will never believe, even if someone were to explain it to you." — Acts 13:41

Chris and Benito begin their Biblical journey with the sequel to the Gospels. The Holy Ghost Awakens as Peter proves to be pretty hard-line about communism, Paul goes a little too hard in the paint, and we meet our first favorite character in the Book.

Topics of discussion: Holy Week breakdown, Theophilus and the #squad, Judas exploding, St. Christopher (a werewolf), Pentecost, Ananias and Saphira vs. Full Socialism, Simon Magus, 12 dudes with like four names between them, the Party Dude of the Book of Acts, Snake Church, the two main dudes of the Bible.

2 2018-04-14 One Weird Trick Daniel as well as The Prayer of Azariah aka the Song of the Three Holy Children; Susanna; and Bel and the Dragon Tanakh and Deuterocanon Therefore I issue a decree that anyone of any people, nation, or language who says anything offensive against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego will be torn limb from limb and his house made into a garbage dump." -- Daniel 3:29

This week, Benito and Chris take their first foray into the Old Testament, and into the Apocrypha with the Book of Daniel, including the deuterocanonical Prayer of Azariah, Bel and the Dragon, and Susanna. Join us as we discuss Nebuchadnezzar's harsh penalties, Daniel's Encyclopedia Brown-esque early days, examine the one weird trick that makes doctors hate this local prophet, and treat you to what might be the most amazing pun of the entire Bible. Plus: Chris went to Mass!

Topics of discussion: Catholic Mass and the Lord's Prayer freestyle breakdown, the Tanakh vs. the Old Testament, a brief recap of the period between Abraham and Alexander the Great, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, turning houses into garbage dumps as punishment for bad dream interpretation, most of the Bible stories you bring up conversationally, Antiochus IV Epiphanes and an excellent goof from history, tree puns in Greek, the Septuagint, Encyclopedia Daniel, Angelic GrubHub, 2 Creeps.

3 2018-04-22 Various Heresies The Acts of Peter and The Acts of Peter and Paul Apocrypha "Go, say unto Simon: Peter, because of whom thou fleddest out of Judaea, waiteth for thee at the door." -- The Acts of Peter, Chapter IV

Join us this week as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Peter and Acts of Peter and Paul for the daring return of the Bad Samaritan himself, the Father of All Heresies, the man who claims to be Jesus and may actually be Paul, Simon Magus! When our favorite Biblical supervillain shows up, Simon "The Rock" Peter returns to action to reanimate a smoked herring, get into a resurrection-off, and other Acts that are buck wild even by Biblical standards. Plus, the extremely apocryphal events of Justice League of America #2 and World's Finest #265.

Topics of discussion: Julius Caesar Real vs. Robin Hood real, How to tell Peter and Paul apart in paintings, Leucius Charinus, Gnosticism and Ennoia, Simon (Paul) (Saul) vs. Peter (Simon), the death of Dioscurus, how the city of Pontiole got full-on Spongebobbed, The Acts of Pilate and the Gospel of Nicodemus, the Science Dimension, The Church of Domine Quo Vadis and the footprints of the Ghost of Jesus, Peter: The Literal Rock, San Paolo alla Tre Fontani, M.R. James, Harris and See, "Roll Call" by Lil Jon feat. Ice Cube, Reigns: a big dog.

Special thanks to Jordan Witt for our new artwork this episode!

4 2018-05-06 Wittgenstein's Monster The Book of Isaiah Tanakh "Woe to those that are wise in their own opinion and clever in their own sight." -- Isaiah 5:21

Isaiah, the biggest beefiest boy of all the prophets, steps into the spotlight to put our very premise to the test. Can we actually do an episode when there's no real narrative and about 66 chapters of prophecies that require a 45-minute history lesson? U-DECIDE! We dive in for some complicated context, check out the most quotable book of the Bible, and at long last, start runnin' with the devil.

Topics of discussion: Joshua, Isaiah, and Jesus all having the same name, the Three Isaiahs, the Regret Box, "Feet," Alma vs. Parthenos, the Syro-Ephremite War, Hezekiah building a tunnel to avoid eating his own poop, God is sick of your parties, swords to plowshares and other common phrases, Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz vs. Pele-Joez-El-Gibbor-Abi-Ad-Sar-Shalom, Sheol vs. Hades vs. Hell vs. Gehenna the perpetually burning garbage dump, Lucifer (actually Venus), the first appearance of monotheism, Cyrus the Great

5 2018-05-20 On the Road to Rome Paul's Letter to the Romans New Testament "Therefore, any one of you who judges is without excuse, for when you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. We know that God's judgment on those who do such things is based on the truth. Do you really think any one of you who judges those who do such things yet do the same, that you will escape God's judgment?" -- Romans 2:3

Hello, Theophiloi! We, Chris and Benito, faithful servants of the podcasting game, called to talk about the Bible without being jerks about it, bid you greeting. This week, we set out on the Roman Road with our Straw Teen for the most commonly quoted book of the New Testament.

Topics of discussion: The format of Roman letters, a shout out to Phoebe, the Roman Road, Teen Missions, a serious look at the context of Paul's letter versus the modern evangelical take, three paragraphs about circumcision, Resurrection Bodies, the two great commandments, and what is Paul even talking about?

6 2018-05-27 Fresh Prince of Beliar The Ascension of Isaiah Pseudepigrapha "And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11.

Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly.

Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negaduck Jesus, Nero's popularity, Jesus's wrath against White Castles, the benefits of wooden saws, the Seven Heavens, God's password, Thrones and thrones, the Junior Woodchuck Guide for Heaven, Haguel.

7 2018-06-03 Neon Genesis Good News The Gospel of Mark and Secret Mark New Testament and Apocrypha "When the scribes of the Pharisees saw that He was eating with sinners and tax collectors, they asked His disciples, 'why does He eat with tax collectors and sinners?' When Jesus heard this, He told them 'Those who are well don't need a doctor, but the sick do need one. I didn't come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" -- The Gospel of Mark, 2:16-17

Gird thyself, Theophiloi, for our longest episode to date as we dive into the Gospel of Mark and its mysterious secrets. Join us as we chronicle Jesus's very justifiable frustration with the apostles and learn about the Apostles that are most likely to set your house on fire. Plus, we delve into Secret Mark, Chris has a little difficulty with pronunciation, and we finally answer the age-old question that has been debated by theologians for almost 2,000 years: is the Gospel of Mark a sandwich?

Topics of discussion: Hangry Jesus, the 3600 Marks of the Mark Corps, angel messaging, the difficulties of establishing lion and bear biology in bible times, baptism and its methods, the fish on all the cars, ancient acronyms, the most ride-or-die dudes in Galilee, "Boanerges," the Sons of Thunder, mystery cults, Herod, Herod, Herod, Herod, the first millennials, the invention of metaphors, the camel and the needle, a reference for those of you who were extremely online in 2005, "Isaiah Style," the Gay Content Airhorn, the Two Commandments, Thoughts & Prayers, Peter as Jesus's constant punchline, I.N.R.I., a sarcastic centurion who is very rude, Joses, and the Lord's tips and tricks for breaking and entering. Phew, what a long episode.

8 2018-06-10 What's Up, Doctor Goodacre The Gospel of Matthew, Part One New Testament Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi! So remember how last week, we had our longest episode ever? Well, your boys done did it again. We went so deep into the Gospel of Matthew that we wound up recording for well over two hours, which means it's time for our very first two-part episode! Join us as we go about 40 minutes before we actually get into scripture, largely because we're busy talking about hypothetical gospels, reviewing the major motion picture The Star, and settling this whole .gif thing once and for all.

Topics of discussion: Benito's anxiety, Chris's anxiety, the Pharisees, the Begats, the Synoptic Problem, Q, M, L, the Two Source Hypothesis, the Four Source Hypothesis, the Farrer-Goulder-Goodacre theory, Luke's anti-wizard agenda, three secret wizards, an entire litany of source theories that we don't talk about because nobody wants to be here all day, the Marcion Manhunter, the linage of Jesus and how it's actually the lineage of Joseph, an unsurprising Hellboy appearance and debate, Nazarenes vs. Nazarites vs. Nazoreans, Mary's virginity and Jesus's four brothers and two sisters, what happens to Jesus's birthday presents, how many infants is it okay to kill, Satan Bells, the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, and some bad news for me, personally.

9 2018-06-24 Simon Peter's Sweet Sixteen The Gospel of Matthew, Part Two New Testament A question for you, Theophiloi: How many times would you like to listen to us go through the Gospel of Matthew? As many as... seven times? Well, you'll have to settle for two, as this week finds us finally getting into scripture. Join us here at Skull Mountain Baptist Church as we ghost ride the whip into Jerusalem, strain out gnats, gulp down camels, and celebrate the birthday of everyone's favorite dimwitted Apostle, Teen Peter.

Topics of discussion: Bad ideas about when to bury your relatives, dogs of the Bible, the proper age for a Dog Bar Mitzvah, the apocryphal Gospel of Don Bluth, the Outer Darkness, Ultimate Mark, the Son of Man vs. the Son of David, Messianic Judaism, the last panel of every Jack Chick comic, Jesus being visited at work, Other Mary, Peter's greatest hits, Jesus's invention of metaphors, the real Kingdom Hearts, Peter's true and canonical age, white nonsense, The Fig Tree Discourse, Other Jesus, the good kind of forsaking, the Good Friday zombie apocalypse, Thunder, a disappointing lack of hijinx in the time of Silver Age Jesus, and Heave the Jesus Dog.

Hey, you can also support the show now at ko-fi.com/apocrypals ! If you like it enough that you'd buy us a latte while we talked at you about the Bible, you can throw a few bucks our way as a love offering!

10 2018-07-02 The Dude Hates Wizards The Gospel of Luke New Testament Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi (and possibly Apocryphinos)! We hope you're ready for some Johnny Bapto content, because that's what we have a lot of this time around, as we go into the Gospel of Luke! Bear witness to the Sermon on the Plain, the Seven Deadly Enemies of Man, and pure unbridled hatred for wizards, the rich, and, presumably, rich wizards. Plus, Chris solves the synoptic problem once and for all. You're welcome.

Topics of discussion: a turkey of boy, Summer Christmas, the Triple Tradition, the Double Tradition, the Great Omission, the blueprint for a universal church, the Original Marvel Comics Bullpen of the Bible, editorial fatigue, Johntent, two turtledoves, the only canonical mention of Teen Jesus, the two completely unnecessary genealogies of Jesus, the alarming lack of details about Mary Magdalene and her seven demons, the Travel Narrative, Special Lukan Material, Jesus telling the Apostles that nothing can hurt them and how that might not have been the most accurate prophecy we've ever read, Third Mary, TLP, give us this day our Cool Ranch bread, #NotAllPharisees, Herod and Pilate becoming BFFs, the penitent thief aka San Dimas, Luke's OC, Hungry Teleporting Jesus.

Please feel free to make a love offering at http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals to support the show!

11 2018-07-09 90s Vertigo Jesus The Gospel of John, Part One New Testament Oh h*ck yeah! Your hosts done done it again, y'all: we goofed around and talked a whole lot about the Gospel of John. You'd think after going through this stuff four times, we'd be a little more efficient, but no. It turns out that there have been centuries of debate focused entirely on John 1:1, and it goes like you'd expect from there. Join us on the first part of our journey through the final canonical gospel (and by far the weirdest) as we meet a new and unknowable Jesus who is known by His first sign: turning Purple Stuff into Sunny D. Plus, we meet like eight Johns who might actually be one John, because who even knows anymore. You, uh, might want to familiarize yourself with Grant Morrison before you listen to this one, because we go deep.

Topics of discussion: John 3:16, Austin 3:16, the Invisibles, the Matrix, Dark City, They Live, and other pop cultural touchstones, Gothy Magic Stuff, God's Fiction Suit, Benito's extremely bad joke, John the Baptist, John the Apostle, John the Presbyter, John the Revelator, Prester John, the Beloved Disciple, Homer and Chris's incredible disillusionment with the ancient world, John's virulent anti-semitism, dunking on Moses, 009, HaShem, the Word (aka the Discourse aka the Tiger Force), Desiderius Erasmus, the Heresy of Sabellianism, the Arian Heresy, Adoptionism, the Great Baptism Fight, Nathaniel the Secret Apostle, Simon Peter "The Rock" Johnson, Jesus being really mean to Mary for no discernible reason like what the h*ck, Jesus's good good wine, Jesus's whip and how the Castlevania franchise dropped the ball hard, Nicodemus and the most ridiculous question in the entire Bible, Samaritans explained at last, Jesus's Secret Food, the angel jacuzzi, boataportation, Undercover Jesus.

Happy Hanukkah, everybody! If you liked the show, why not head over to ko-fi.com/apocrypals to give us a love offering?

12 2018-07-15 Whomst Was At the Tombst? The Gospel of John, Part Two New Testament Okay, Theophiloi, let's get this clear right now: Roy Thomas was the second editor-in-chief of Marvel after Stan Lee, and is often considered to have been the first comics creator to make the leap from fan to pro, so yeah, he's basically Luke. Hope that clears it all up. Now that that's done, break off a hunk of traitor bread and join us as we finally finish with the canonical gospels! This week: the back half of the Gospel of John, aka the Gospel of Travis! Enjoy a not insignificant amount of Gay Content, a good bit of Peter Rehab, and learn that Pontius Pilate was maybe not such a bad guy after all. Plus, a message to all our time traveler listeners!

Topics of discussion: another trip to the bar, Lazarus, the Beloved Disciple(s), Apostle vs. Disciple, Mary Magdalene, the Da Vinci Code, and the Magdalena, Christopher Marlowe, King James, and Calcagno causing quite a bit of trouble, John Linen (ugh), a much better idea for Boba Fett, "Catamite," Erastes and Eromenos, Judas (not Iscariot), a weird verse to have on a poster, jalapeno poppers at the last supper, Dante's traitor power rankings, Olive Garden and Golden Corral and their relationship to the divine, the etymology of "Iscariot," Satan going to sleep with a little bread blanket, Teen Peter, St. Procla, the difference between martyrdom narratives and RomComs, Mary of Clopas, the Levirate Law, the Three Marys, the Spear of Destiny, the Passion of the Christ, the Top Five Victims of Crucifixion In History, a very specific number of fish.

If you enjoy the show, then why go to http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals and make a love offering? We would appreciate it!

13 2018-07-30 Bonus Goat The Deuterocanonical Book of Tobit Deuterocanon We are back, Theophiloi! After a bona fide Act of God, we've returned to read the capital-A Apocryphal Book of Tobit, and it is a wild one. Join us for the most canonical of the non-canonical books, in which we find out exactly why you shouldn't go to sleep under a wall, what fish parts you need if you do, and meet an ironically prudish demon and an angel who's cool but rude. Plus: What happens if we find a brand new book of the Bible, autographed by God?

Topics of discussion include: Janelle Monae, Tisha B'Av, the debatable sacrament of Cheddar Bay Biscuits, "The Sons of Thunder," the Dead Sea Scrolls, Antigone, the second ominous black sarcophagus, the lowercase grateful dead, Monster In The Bridal Chamber as a genre, Jack of the Tales and the sack that he used to capture Death, rough times in Ninevah, Asmodeus, Watership Down (or maybe Redwall?), the Seven Princes of Hell, Solomon and his demon bros, the Malleus Maleficarum aka the Witch Hammer (please note we only endorse the title, not the content), the Lantern of Light, the actual true amount of money for which Julius Caesar was ransomed because I know things sometimes too, Angel Disguises, a continuity patch for the book of Daniel, St. Raphael, Dubuque, Iowa, why angels are also saints, Tobias the Eighth, Tiffany and Chad, the first of many rules about angels, Hrotsvitha of Gandersheim.

Special thanks to Cathy Leamy for telling us about "Sons of Thunder!"

If you like the show, why not head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals to pitch in a few bucks? You don't have to tithe 10% of your income to us, but, I mean, we also wouldn't turn that down.

14 2018-08-06 The Boy-Related Eagle Plan The Story of Ahikar Pseudepigrapha Get out of the cistern and cut your nails, Theophiloi, because it's time for a brand new episode! Join us as we take on the extremely apocryphal book of Ahikar, Tobit's maybe nephew. This leads us to the biggest fight we've ever had on the show, which is about whether the Pharaoh's riddle contest is actually a riddle contest or not (it's not, but the eagle boys are pretty dope).

Topics of discussion: A debate over the premise of the show that sends Chris's voice spiraling up about six octaves, Tu B'av, the Jewish calendar, a bit of self-promotion unrelated to Bible, Aesop who isn't real either, Deuterocanon and pseudepigrapha, the first of what we assume will be many mentions of Grand Admiral Thrawn, a number that constitutes "a lot of wives," all the numbers in the Bible, a pretty vindictive answer to a prayer, Ahikar's dubious teaching methods, drubbing, some low-hanging fruit, God vs. April, a truly bonkers level of animal cruelty, and Chris getting lightheaded from laughing at his own joke. It's a good one.

If you enjoy the show, you can support us at: ko-fi.com/apocrypals

15 2018-08-13 An Approximate Week The Golden Legend: St. Christopher and St. Benedict Golden Legend Happy birthday! To you, possibly, to us, definitely, as today (August 12) is Chris's birthday, and Benito's (August 20) is quickly following! To celebrate, we're taking a break from Bible Times to hit up the middle ages and Jacobus de Voragine's The Golden Legend. Join us as we learn about our namesake saints (namesaints), St. Christopher and St. Benedict. One is a gigantic werewolf and the other hates being horny. Just friggin' hates it. It's not a competition, but if it was, you know who'd be winning.

Topics of discussion: Four specific people for whom eight days constitutes a week, saints as a concept, martyrdom and the veneration of local heroes, two EXTREMELY good stories about Benito's younger days, Chris forgetting how to pronounce "Jacobus" literally six minutes after hearing it, a suspiciously erotic description of Italian geography, the calendar of the saints, Shawns and Martys, a bonus hagiography of St. Wilgefortis, cynocephaly, the Devil's Tramping Ground, the shortest possible summary of the life of Jesus Christ, St. Neo the One, St. Scholastica, the original name of Kentucky, the Devil's immense hatred of bells, Through the Roof (and Chris literally laughing until he cries), Analog Tinder, a quick tangent about Bob Ross, a number of dancing women that St. Peter can scarcely comprehend, Totila the King of the Goths, an accidental priesthood, an explanation at last for the Arian Heresy, zombie nuns, and proper vampire slaying technique.

This week's hymnal: "Werewolf Gimmick" by the Mountain Goats

If you want to support the show, head over to http:/ko-fi.com/apocrypals because we would certainly appreciate it! Also, if the spirit moves you, Chris's wishlist is here: http://a.co/7azrxBv (Benito opted not to share his, presumably preferring to throw himself into a rosebush).

16 2018-08-19 Doamurder, West Virginia The Book of Genesis, Part 1 Tanakh Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark , and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drunk with his junk out and invents slavery. Plus, join us in the Correctional Confessional as we address some mistakes and inaccuracies from last week's episode concerning the current status of St. Christopher and St. Wilgefortis, Skull Mountain Baptist Church, and the Arian Heresy. Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark, and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drunk with his junk out and invents slavery. Plus, join us in the Correctional Confessional as we address some mistakes and inaccuracies from last week's episode concerning the current status of St. Christopher and St. Wilgefortis, Skull Mountain Baptist Church, and the Arian Heresy.

Topics of discussion: Our favorite Non-Genesis creation stories, the Documentary Hypothesis (J, E, P, and D), the Tetragrammaton, Monolatry vs. Monotheism redux, the proper instructions for building LEGO sets, a busy week for Big G, ancient cosmology (aether, firmament, and other Spelljammer stuff), the two best land animals, a brief discussion of God's wife Ashe ra, the rather problematic relationship between the Book of Genesis and the gender binary and women in in general, the naming of the animals, Lilith and a secret Lilith that we've already talked about, the inherent evil of nudity, Cain, Kane, Kaine, various origins for vampires, the Nephilim, a trip to the Creation Museum, the Flood Narrative as a genre, God's knack for archery.

Hymnal: "Genesis" by Justice

If you enjoy the show, why not make a love offering at http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals to help us keep going? We appreciate it, but love you all equally regardless.

17 2018-08-27 Five Gallons of Bread The Book of Genesis, Part Two Tanakh We've got a content warning on this one: This section of Genesis includes some very famous instances of homophobia, sexual assault, and incest. Keep that in mind if you plan on listening this week.

Join us, Theophiloi, as we continue our journey through Genesis. The first of the Pentateuch continues to be challenging as we move into the life of Abraham and find things that are even weirder than we got with Adam, Eve, and Noah. Join us for the many instances of Abraham hanging out with God, the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah, the Binding of Isaac, and the Biblical figure who is far more problematic than that ol' kitty-cat Satan: Lot. Lot is very bad, actually.

Topics of discussion: Chris Books and Benito Books, apple puns, the adventures of Abram when he was a boy, Midrash and the No-Prize, Abram's first Pokémon battle, how to deal with Pharaoh (hint: plagues), why East is bad, Melchizedek's extremely good name, the War of Nine Kings, Arioch, the exact amount by which Abram is better than Leonidas, various covenants, the actual Handmaid's Tale, The Angel Of The LORD, the covenant of circumcision, Philo, Maimonides aka the RAMBAM, God's running crew and their love of bread, Lot's wife Eurydice, the troubling secret origin of the Moabites, Xena S1E18, obscure baby names, red stuff.

Further reading: Who Wrote the Bible and The Bible With Sources Revealed, by Richard Elliott Friedman

Hymnal: "Gay Bar" by Electric Six

If you enjoy the show, why not make a love offering at http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals to help us out!

18 Sept 9, 2018 Literally and Figuratively Wrestling With God The Book of Genesis, Part Three Tanakh Content Warning: We cover the story of Dinah in this episode, which involves a sexual assault.

Shanah Tovah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to what we're pretty sure is the world's only Bible podcast! We're kicking off 5779 with the third part of our increasingly unwieldy discussion of Genesis. This week, the Lentil Stew Boys are back for hijinx as we cover the lives of Jacob and Esau, and give you a shofar performance that critics are already hailing as "well-intentioned." It is both our sexiest and most pro wrestling heavy episode yet, and we're as surprised by that as you are.

Topics of discussion: Our wishes for a sweet Rosh Hashanah, Jacob's invention of cosplay, situations in which literally lying to your blind father about God is totally fine, conservation of blessings, a Jacobian installment of Benito's Anthroponomastics Corner, ordinary eyes, quite a few trips to the bone zone, animal husbandry and sympathetic magic, sympathetic sheep magic, Rachel's 11, whether or not the Holy Trinity tapped, the Biblical version of Death Wish meets Death Wish III.

Hymnal: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

19 Sept 23, 2018 MBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBaM The Book of Genesis, Part Four Tanakh It's finally time, Theophiloi, for us to finish our exhausting journey through the extremely bizarre Book of Genesis! This week, it's the life of Joseph and his Completely Ordinary Long-Sleeved Dream Robe! The Golden Age Daniel (aka the Lord of Dreams) closes out the book with a surprisingly cohesive narrative that teaches us the solution to all of life's problems: throw it in a hole. It's the final 13 of 50 verses of people making bad moves! Join us, won't you?

Topics of discussion: Hopes for an easy and meaningful fast on Yom Kippur, an evaltuation of Scott Rogowski's shofar playing, extremely good impressions of the Prince of Stories, inflation in Bible times, Er, Onan, a bizarre sex prank, Potiphar's name bros, America's three favorite things, a brief appearance by Historical Dracula, The Bonus Goat Podcast Network, Ben Carson, a wild set of last words, and a successful arrival in Egypt where nothing bad will happen probably.

Hymnal: "Coat of Many Colors" by Dolly Parton

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!


20 Sept 30, 2018 Shalom Birdie (with David Wolkin) The Book of Genesis Tanakh his week we're doing something a little different, Theophiloi! Before we finally move on from Genesis, we've invited the Beloved Wolfman, our pal David Wolkin, to talk us through the Torah. He covers his upbringing and work in Jewish education, and the story of a flawed people struggling with a very confusing God. Plus: the potentially devastating academic consequences of eating at IHOP and answers to your listener questions.

Topics of discussion: The Jesustaur, David (the person), David (the name), David (the king), Sukkot, Rabbinic Commentary, Rashi, Rambam, The Besht (aka Master of the Good Name), the Rav, a swift and brutal lesson in Hebrew pronunciation, Bibliodrama, Storahtelling, the Sh'ma Exercise, the Peter Gabriel Webring, Original Sin, the exact date of the end of the world as revealed by the Holy Bible, the Jesse White Tumblers, Hebrew School Musical, the Dinosaur Bone Dimension, the first tongs.

Hymnal: "Invisible Touch" by Genesis

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

21 2018-10-07 Biblerella The Acts of Paul and Thecla Apocrypha Watch out, Theophiloi -- we've got some high voltage coming your way as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla. For the first time, we have a real female protagonist who has agency... to the extreme. Join us for an astounding piece of Biblical fanfic, a discussion of why Thecla was left out of the canon (hint: thousands of years of entrenched misogyny), and get ready to be thirsty for virtue when you meet your new favorite semi-Biblical figure. Plus: a very good story about a very large lion.

Topics of discussion: "The Lost Scriptures" by Bart Ehrman, a brief divergence into Santa Claus Canon, the real Patron Saint of the Internet, St. Isadore of Seville, Tertullian, Constantine (not that one) and the Hell Bible's version of Corinthians, various apocalypses, Paul's Bulk and Skull, AO1, a stack of virginity pledges reaching to the ceiling of the Flavian Amphitheater, Adrian Toomes, the hat guy, Holy Musk, Quentin Beck, man-eating seals, a surprising substance to see at a beheading, and a litany of podcast recs.

Hymnal: "Danger! High Voltage!" by Electric Six

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

22 2018-10-15 Ocean's Two The Book of Judith Deuterocanon Get ready, Theophiloi, because it's time for a tightly plotted heist story about our favorite Deuterocanonical heroine, Judith! We'll be heading into a slice of the Apocrypha with some sharp commentary that cuts right to the good stuff. Get to listening, chop chop! Plus: Some very good and suggestions for improving Hanukkah that you can implement in your own celebrations!

Topics of discussion: The ironies (all of them), Doubting Tomax, a prelude to Martinmas, St. Isadore the Hedgehog, an extended digression about Simon Magus and Avril Lavigne, The RAMBAN, Antilebanon, the Cracker Barrel Master Mold, earth and water, the most boss flex in the entire Bible, getting captured on purpose, Alfred, cheese plots, a Comic-Con of soldiers, and whether Holofernes was just a foot guy.

Hymnal: "Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

23 2018-10-21 Dunking on Satan The Acts of Pilate and The Gospel of Nicodemus Apocrypha PIECES be with you, Theophil-OOZE, and get ready for the first installment of our two-part HELLoween SCAREtacular! This week, we're descending into HELL! And, uh, it's not actually that scary in the traditional sense, although the antisemitism of early Christian writings brings its own brand of horror. Either way, it's our long-awaited discussion of the Harrowing of Hell! Plus, an untold tale of Jesus's magic emotion-changing clothes!

Topics of discussion: The rehabilitation of Pilate, the Apostle's Creed, the Autobiography of Bruce Wayne, a brand-new miracle, St. Procla, the origin of Veronica, a revelation about twelve years of bleeding, a good way to repel evil spirits, a slightly less good way to repel evil spirits from Benito's childhood, devhellopment, the Bad Place, God's magic word, Habakuk's comeback, the Cure of Tiberius and the Death of Pilate, a secret zombie, Longinus, and a surprise appearance by the Antichrist.

Hymnal: "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

24 2018-10-29 Butt Stuff Dragon The Testament of Solomon Pseudepigrapha Get ready for HAINTS AND SAINTS, Theophiloi! It's Halloween and things are getting wild spooky up in here as we diver into the testament of Solomon, a very wise man who likes two things: glorifying God and forcing demons to do menial labor. Meet several new costume options that you certainly won't have to spend all night explaining, including Ornias, Beelzeboul, Onoskelis, Astaroth, the 36 Elements of the Cosmic Ruler of the Darkness, our old pal Asmodeus, and Pteradrakun, who... well, you see the title of the episode, right? Plus: Solomon invents capitalism!

Topics of discussion: Benito explains himself, JC Go!, the Da Vinci Coders, St. Aspren, another preview of First Enoch, our plans for a purely hypothetical live show, MTV's Next, lacunae and vox nihili, The Lord Sabaoth, the Pentalpha, Slam Evil!, live-streaming a Hell House, Benito's favorite Ancient Greek words, continuity with Tobit, a numerology lesson about 644, "I Am Error," a LOT of Hellboy talk, Hello the Hellhound, a solid Mary Marvel pitch.

Hymnal: The Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Pickett

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

25 2018-11-14 One Rinthies, Baby First Corinthians New Testament So uh, if this episode gets a little weird, it's probably because the hosts, two comic book writers, found out that Stan Lee died about halfway through it. But tragedies great and small won't stop us from learning about love, and also some extremely misogynistic rules about who gets to talk in church as Paul dashes off yet another letter! That's right, y'all, it's time for Rinthies, so let's get patient and kind up in this piece! Plus: do Paul's RTs = endorsements?

Topics of discussion: Benito's pretty good wedding, Martinmas, Apollos, the Biblical license plates of Durham, North Carolina, jerks, Paul's guide to marriage, sacrifice cookouts, Zeus Meat, @TheRealApostlePaul, Ma-Ti, another Johnny Q. Public reference, IDIC, angel language, secret fraternity names, Desk Pals, Maran Atha, Rinthies II: Through The Portal of Time, and Podifex.

Hymnal: "Modern Love" by David Bowie

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

26 2018-11-19 Some Other Christmas Man The Lives of St. Nicholas and St. Lucy Golden Legend Good news, friends and neighbors: It's Christmas now! Put your shoes out and brew a pot of coffee because we're going through the lives of the most popular saint ever, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus. Oh, and also St. Lucy, whose life unfortunately had a not insignificant amount of eye-gouging. Plus: Find out which of us is the Paul of Santa and our unsurprising pick for the Worst Christmas Character!

Topics of discussion: Shine vs. Glow, St. Martin's White Horse vs. America, Donkey vs. Horse, St. Nicholas Day vs. Christmas vs. Epiphany, Julian vs. Gregorian, Chris vs. "The Elf", Benito vs. Dominic the Donkey, Grandpa vs. Grandma, Benito vs. Santa Claus, Christkindl vs. the Arrow of Time, Chris and Matt Wilson vs. Kirk Cameron, St. Nicholas vs. Artemis, Curt Connors (the Lizard) vs. his son Billy, St. Agatha vs. Medieval Artists.

Hymnal: "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Milton Delugg

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

27 2018-12-02 The Book of the Dynasty of God's Resisters The First Book of Maccabees Deuterocanon Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations!

Topics of discussion: Holiday scheduling, The Christmas Chronicles and the canonicity of St. Nicholas, Church cusses, Mattathias's large adult sons, Judah Maccabee the Hammers of History, Alexander the Great, dream casting the 1999 Maccabees movie, Antiochus IV Epiphanes getting dunked on so hard that he dies, War Elephants, Eleazar the Piercer, King Baby, the Hammer and the Diplomat.

Hymnal: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!


28 2018-12-10 Second Maccabees Second Furious The Second Book of Maccabees Deuterocanon So long Hanukkah and Hello Advent, Theophiloi! It's your humble Sons of Thunder on 2018's best podcast for news about Ahikar and St. Thecla's conflict with man-eating seals, and before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors and magic swords. Seriously, this is the most action-packed part of Bible we have ever experienced, and you'll recall that we saw Judas exploding back in episode 1, so the bar has been set pretty high. We do, however, need to put a strong Content Warning on this one for some graphic descriptions of torture and martyrdom.

Topics of discussion: The Murder That I Like The Most vs. The Apocryphamici, the Catalonian Poop Log, our local Holiday Parades, the Bangles, Jason of Cyrene, the Drizzt Do'Urden of Jewish history, "The Greek Hat," illegal tactics in the wrestling arena, dubious omens, wishing a happy monthday to Antiochus III, Ex Nihilo creation, our complicated relationship with military heroes, BFFLW, the wildest death scene in the entire Bible.

Hymnal: "Not By Might, Not By Power" by Debbie Friedman

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

29 2018-12-16 These Apocryphal Ravings The Infancy Gospel of James Apocrypha Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen years and then handed off to a very confused local carpenter. Plus: all the other holy days we'll be missing before we come back on Epiphany!

Topics of discussion: Southern Snow Day, Boleslav the Cruel, Colly Birds, a bit of difficulty counting to seven which is of course the highest number, CMB, Mary vs. Betty vs. Veronica, the Ultimate Blessing, Joseph's four-year house-building tour, an extremely dark joke from Chris, the Lord's drink, Time Stop (lv.9 wiz/sor), the Fortress of Baptitude, a few new ideas to incorporate in your Christmas traditions, 2 minutes of Benito doing animal noises (seriously).

Hymnal: "Reindeer Games" by Froggy Fresh

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

30 2019-01-07 Apples and Oranges The Legend of the Three Kings by John of Hildesheim Saint stories We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'l Fat Jesus!!!!

Topics of discussion: Benito getting yelled at about the historicity of Jesus, church cusses, Women's Christmas, the Christmas Dragon and his poem about your faults, Balaam, Dismal Downs, B^F, 316 Covered Street, Skull Mountain Kisses, a great Apple, The Coins, Raw Balm aka Lazarus Pit Juice, St. Helen's traveling reliquary.

Hymnal: "Princes of the Universe" by Queen

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

31 2019-01-24 Yartzed Upon a Distant Shore The Book of Jonah Tanakh Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you?

Topics of discussion: Excuses excuses, New Year's but for trees, the official End of Christmas, a PG-13 review of the BibleGateway iPhone App, Ultra Boy (Jo Nah), Veggietales Apocrypha, @THERADR, the Orb (from Ghost Rider), St. Augustine (the famous one), whale kisses, a very scary ding-dang, Benito's Weird Language Tangent Corner, Jonah's increasingly improbable homes.

Hymnal: "My Name is Jonas" by Weezer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

32 2019-02-03 Return of the Twelve-Foot Volcel Lion Questions & Answers Listener questions ust so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord!

Topics of discussion: What surprised us about Bible, what we're worried about covering, further reading, disciples smooching and/or playing D&D, the Armor of God, cleric domains, Batman as the model of a sacred text, John son of James, planning our next trip to the bar, favorite books, "Thunder, Perfect Mind," the Noah No-Prize, saints we'd like to fight, Triclavianism.

Hymnal: "21 Questions" by 50 Cent feat. Nate Dogg

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

33 2019-02-10 Thicc Darkness The Book of Exodus, Part One Tanakh Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos.

Topics of discussion: Candlemas, LentMadness.org, Mary of Bethany v. Martha of Bethany: Dawn of Saintliness, the Main Dude of Judaism, God's surprising forgetfulness, God's even more surprising similarity to the Power Rangers, a very confusing circumcision, "Pharaoh Pharaoh" and its bespoke dance moves, Arbok vs. Ekans in Bible Times, the planet Drakulon, Double Blood, RAINING BREEEEEEEEEEAAAD! FROM A LACERATED SKY!, and God's delicious dandruff.

Hymnal: "Raining Blood" by Slayer

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

34 2019-02-24 Thorn Bushes and Pushups The Song of Songs Tanakh Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What's that? Why yes, we have been taking a few tips from Bible's greatest romantic, King Solomon the Demon-Queller! He's here with his sensual mixtape and we're going through it track by track as we take on the Song of Songs! Plus: a brief non-history of St. Valentine! Hey, don't... uh, don't listen to this one with your mom, okay?

Topics of discussion: A soupçon of Magic: The Gathering, the Sanctum Sanctorum, "Rich Girl," tbe mechanics of Bumble vis-a-vis gazelle fawns and grapes, chiastic structure, metaphors and abbreviations in order to keep our "Clean" tag, sheep content, lots of stuff we can't really put in the description, and only two jokes we had to cut out.

Hymnal: "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

35 2019-03-03 Down in the Donkey Hole The Book of Exodus, Part Two Tanakh Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of Exodus and into the part that's mostly about how much the Lord loves acacia wood, with a few extremely famous events strewn among it for good measure. Moses has an exceptionally long conversation at the top of Mount Sinai and we go from "yikes" to "YIKES!" as we cover some Old Testament laws. Plus: the surprising origin of a terrible and ridiculous stereotype!

Topics of Discussion: Mardi Gras and its regional food variants, the categories of Jewish Law, The 10x2 Commandments (the Decalogue and the Other Ones), a good joke about a bad preacher, what to do if a donkey falls in your hole, some Very Bad Laws, Punching Your Mom: Just Don't Do It!, Home Alone Doctrine, Witch v. Sorceress, the sin that will make the Lord come down with a sword and kill you His Own Self, the Highlander catalog, a li'l house for God, the Calfatron Swerve.

Hymnal: "Exodus" by Bob Marley and the Wailers

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

PS: Apologies for the occasional scratchiness on the recording this time around -- Benito was testing out a new mic!

36 2019-03-12 GRAZACHAM! Muirchu’s Life of Saint Patrick Saint stories Top o' the mornin' to ye, Theophiloi! In honor of his verdant feast day, we're taking a look at the life of Saint Patrick! Witness as he comes out of his cage and does just fine bringing Christianity to the pagan isle of Ireland. You will erhaps be shocked by the fact that there are zero (0) mentions of snakes or shamrocks, but we do have the return of all of our favorite Bible traditions: explosions, wizard battles, were-foxes, all that stuff. Plus: one of us might be immortal now?

Topics of discussion: Lent, M. O'ses, Succet, the most buck wild book of the Bible to recite in its entirety every single day, Victor/Victoricus, a proclamation from Benito (and yes he knows they're Scottish), the proper number of times to invoke Elijah, truly harrowing birthday celebrations, Miliucc with two Cs, St. Bofa of Haenuces, dope AF (ad fidum), St. Patrick's actual Dungeons & Dragons spellbook, a hole in the ground for unbaptized babies.

Hymnal: "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

37 2019-03-20 Bigger Esther The Book of Esther and Greek Esther Tanakh and Deuterocanon Get ready to put on your costume, give money to the poor, and get tore up from the floor up, Theophiloi, because it's Purim time! Join us for the story of Esther, a uniquely God-free entry into Bible about a beautiful queen outfoxing Haman (BOOOO!) to the point where he gets severely impaled. It's a good one.

Topics of discussion: a Lent Madness update, St. Joseph's Day, some bitterness about an old job, the Jewish Hero Corps, Ruth : Wheat :: Esther : Impalement, the Persian Wu-Tang Clan, a re-evaluation of Vashti, Haman's pockets (booo!), Esther's surprising similarity to Goku, a delicious villain humiliation, a not inconsiderable number of fairly preventable deaths, does Dogpile exist?

Hymnal: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

38 2019-03-31 Sword Drill Online Bible Trivia Special Complete Book of Bible Trivia Break out the birthday cake, Theophiloi, because as of this show, we've officially been at this for one full year! We're celebrating by pushing the Guessatron 5000 to its limits with a Bible Trivia Quiz to see if we (ie Chris) have learned anything from our year of book study. Play along and try not to yell at your phone too loud when you know the answer and Chris doesn't.

Topics of discussion: The Complete Book of Bible Trivia by J. Steven Lang, most of the Apostles, the Feast of the Annunciation and the single most important date in history, our potential Bible tattoos (Leviticus 19:27, Micah 7:8, Isaiah 54:17, Acts 8:21), the late Biblical scholar Raul Julia, the Beloved Disciple, another Lent Madness update, Paul's secret third profession and other bad jokes.

Hymnal: "Quiz" by CupcakKe.

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

39 2019-04-07 Rain is Boy Water The Book of Enoch, Part One Pseudepigrapha Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! To celebrate one year of the show, we're launching into one of our most requested texts: the apocalyptic, hallucinatory, and profoundly influential Book of Enoch. Written about 200 years or so after the beginning of time, this story follows a prophet who was so cool that God just took him up to heaven (or possibly the planet Krypton) so that they could hang out for eternity. Get ready for thirsty angels, crystal houses, and a debate over whether any of this is weirder than a dragon that likes butt stuff!

Topics of discussion: Angels, demons, and Dwayne, mid-level teens, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Benito's placement on a list of comic book stories, the dire consequences of angelic thirst, Nightcrawler's dad, forbidden cloud knowledge, AngelWatch, Dudiel the Bro of God, flaming fire, that time Ryan North fell into an empty pool and was trapped for an hour, John "James" Dee, the sexy truth about rain.

Hymnal: "Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

40 2019-04-19 Devil Got a Hog The Book of Enoch, Part Two Pseudepigrapha Happy Holy Week, Theophiloi! If you're like your humble Son of Thunder and his friend the Author of All Lies, you have a keen interest in space. If that's the case, then you're going to love learning some new facts about the Sun and Moon as we dive into the second half of the Book of Enoch! Also, we really hope you like calendars, because there's about 20 pages of that in here too, but trust us: it's worth it for what comes after. Plus: A tale of Noah when he was a boy! Learning to write was a mistake.

Topics of discussion: The hated Green M&M, the failings of Lent Madness, Caesar Real vs. Benjamin Harrison Real, Four. Smooth. Pits., Enoch vs the Gender Binary, Taylor Swift's Ancient of Days, Gadrael the Angel of Kung Fu, an official naming of Chuck the Truck, Tomas y Sonja, gendered language, some PG-13 hog talk.

Hymnal: "X Gon' Give It To Ya" by DMX

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

41 2019-04-29 Neo-Mary Is About To E X P L O D E Questions of Bartholomew and The Resurrection of Jesus Christ by Bartholomew Apocrypha Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, let me tell you: he is not the only one with some questions. Join us as Jesus reveals mysteries that are so scary they will literally make you die just from seeing them. We hope hearing about them is a bit less lethal.

Topics of Discussion: Hellstorm: Son of Satan, handy iconography of St. Nicholas of Myra, man-capes, St. Gracilis of Bonicorpus, an explanation of walls, a very long week, William Castle, Satan's version of Goof Troop, an amazing parenthetical, the three dudes left in Hell, Adam's very improbable height.

Hymnal: "Chase the Devil" by Max Romeo and the Upsetters

Offertory: If you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals and send us a love offering! We absolutely appreciate it!

42 2019-05-06 The Roasting of the Apostle Paul Second Corinthians New Testament Hello, Theophiloi and Cheerful Givers! Looking for a nice way to relax, chill out, and maybe even fall asleep? Good news: we've got the book for you. Our old nemesis St. Paul is back with a second letter to the church at Corinth, and pal, it is a snooze... right up until he starts talking about Super-Apostles and how he was beaten with sticks. After that, it gets pretty wild, so do your best to stay awake through the whole thing. Plus, the one piece of the Pauline Epistles that we 100%, absolutely agree with.

Topics of discussion: Bible Bible, a special day for talking about Laser Swords: The Movie, Paul's work friends, the invention of sarcasm, the Aroma of Jesus, Jars of Clay, the difficulty in building the churches of Achaea, the Super-Apostles, Frieza, a real Colton Burpo Situation.

Hymnal: "The Time Is Now" by John Cena

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

43 2019-05-27 Why Prophets So Nasty? The Book of Jeremiah Tanakh Well, Theophiloi, it's been a hot minute, but we're back once again with the first half of Jeremiah, which is both the longest book in Bible and also the most unnecessarily long. Here, we'll save you some time: "God's mad." There, you have now read Jeremiah. If you want a more in-depth discussion of how metal this book can get, though, listen in for shattering destruction, and fields just chock full o' bones! Plus: the return of Rough Chuckles.

Topics of discussion: World Dracula Day, Jeremy & Danny & Eli & Obie & Hab, Twitter's tendency towards jerimiads, twist it like a camel, circumcised hearts, the problem all the murderers, spitting hot fire, an alternative to 1 Rinthies, Fleabag S2, Terror Is On Every Side.

Hymnal: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

44 2019-06-23 Terms and Conditions The Book of Jeremiah, Part 2 Tanakh The boys are back in town, Theophiloi, and we've got some breaking news: it seems the Kingdom of Judah has broken its covenant with the Lord of Hosts and will be punished with sword, famine, and plague! Seems like pretty exciting stuff, until the 30th time you've been through it, which is pretty much Jeremiah in a nutshell. Join us as we finish out the longest book in the Bible (and hopefully our longest gap between episodes), won't you?

Topics of discussion: Joe Casey and Ben Marra's Jesusfreak, Chris's impending Bible tattoo, Ashura poles, the many sieges of Jerusalem, cravin' Newtons, the satisfaction of the thirsty, dankest Cush, you mean tall Nergal-sharezer?, the lost tribe of Amazons, the Lord's extremely bro-ish punishment for Moab, opinions about Edom, a desolation of ostriches, so many good pillars.

Hymnal: "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

45 2019-07-14 Mummy Dust and Skeleton Bones The Book of Ruth Tanakh Hey Theophiloi, good news/bad news. About eight minutes into the recording, Chris's Good Microphone stopped working and so we did an hour of the show with Chris sounding like he was trapped in a hole. The good news is that we have a very good text this week: the Book of Ruth, Bible's greatest saga of wheat farming and sapphic subtext! Plus: We angle hard for that Fig Newton sponsorship. What's good, Nabisco?

Topics of discussion: A thorough examination of the biblical themes in Neon Genesis Evangelion, the NBC drama thriller Blindspot, the Seven Species, Shavuot: A Chill Hang, Biblical figures that sound like Digimon, Orpah, PoemHub, gleaning the cube, vinegar sauce, "feet" again.

Hymnal: "Closer" by Tegan and Sara

Offertory: Each person should do as he has decided in his heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

46 2019-08-09 CTRL-Z On A Murder The Acts of John Apocrypha Listen at your own risk, Theophiloi, for this is our most curséd episode yet! We lost our first recording, our second only made it six minutes in, and our third... Well, at this point we're just hoping it's not a real FDS (Final Destination Situation). Either way, we've got a good one in the Acts of John, the apocryphal adventures of an Apostle who resurrected his way through various horrible sex crimes. Plus: Was John a dog? Like, literally?

Topics of discussion: Mr. Paul, Bapto & Patmo & Presbo & Thunderson, Robin-Hood-Was-A-Fox Real, Phillip: He Likes Horses, Cleopatra (not that one), the Nine Wonders of the World, psickle, bedbug hats, Docetism, hinder parts, Gustav Holst, apocryphal yaoi.


Hymnal: "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

47 2019-08-21 Approximate Week II: The Quickening The Syriac Infancy Gospel Apocrypha You're invited to the holiest eight nights of the Apocrypals calendar, dear Theophiloi! It's Approximate Week, aka our mutual birthday! if you're looking for a gift, we have a recommendation for you: how about a nice cold glass of Messiah Boy Bath Water? Join us as we celebrate with another buck wild Infancy Gospel, in which the Son of Man deals with naked women throwing rocks in cemeteries, an eligible bachelor who is temporarily endonkeyed, and his Earth-dad's lack of carpentry skills. It's everything you need for a great party!

Topics of discussion: Birthdays and presents, the King of Kings of Queens, Joshua bar Josef's Bizarre Adventure, the life and death of Alexander the Great, Mary: The King of Women, a regrettably extended discussion of the Holy Prepuce, the five times Jesus bled, Karl der Große, the ado about this mule, the Harold Allnut of Bible, Dumachus, a portal to the live coal dimension, throne building tips.

Hymnal: "Baby Boy" by Beyoncé

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

48 2019-08-28 The Almighty Ambush Bear The Book of Lamentations Tanakh Spoiler warning, Theophiloi, but it turns out that the Book of Lamentations is, in fact, actually a straight up book just full of lamentations. Jeremiah is back and surprisingly less wordy, so join us as we try to goof our way through this very depressing book about God putting hard times on Jerusalem circa 586 BCE. Plus: the complete New Testament Rap!

Topics of discussion: A very confrontational installment of the Correctional Confessional, Gotta Get That Good Newt™, ranking the Seven Species, IIIsaiah, Tisha B'Av, the saddest food, a very bad joke from Benito, the invention of the slow clap, donkey centaurs, what is an ostrich and can you eat it, a very good joke from Benito, a mystery bird.

49 2019-09-16 Wajesus The First, Second, and Third Epistles of John New Testament Brace yourselves, Theophiloi, because this episode is a Triple-Epistle! (Tripistle?) Your humble Sons of Thunder are taking on not one, not two, but all three of the extremely short Johannine Epistles, in which we discover that a dude who once offered to burn down an entire city for Jesus, was actually way more chill than Mr. Paul. Quelle surprise. Plus: two solid minutes of us laughing at our own jokes about Ninja Warrior.

Topics of discussion: the weirdest places we've ever been witnessed to, Big Youth Pastor Energy, AO3's new motto, the antichrist, the Luigi of Jesus, James the Just's Mansion, Children of the Devil, Phantasm V: JesVs, Cerenthus, the Johannine Comma, Diotrephes.

Hymnal: "The Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and The Pride Of Life," by the 77s

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

50 2019-10-02 The TERF of Babylon The Revelation of John New Testament It's our 50th episode, Theophiloi, and that means it's time to get Apocalyptic! Join us as we embark on an extra-sized episode covering the fever dreams of Johnny Patmo. Witness the opening of the Seven Seals, hear the sounding of seven trumpets, and debate over we are currently pre-apocalyptic, apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic, or post-post-apocalyptic. It's not as depressing as it sounds! Listen and be astonished!

Topics of discussion: Shofar show good, Rosh Hashanah, Michaelmas, lookin' at a duck, what the Devil did to blackberries, Shamrock Shakes in the New Jerusalem, The Chad Jesus, Ninjesus, Genjesus, Kickinradism, Jezebel, the prophecy of the Good Green Elf, Stone Lukewarm Laodicea Austin, God's Pride Flag, a very loose definition of "lion," IV Horsemen, that guy who snuck onto Sentinel Island, Abaddon: a bad'un, Gematria, 666 vs. 616, blasphemous nouns, Nero Redivivus and the Reign of the Nerii, David Lo Pan, Johnny Revelator Cash.

Hymnal: "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden, "The Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

51 2019-10-28 Jesus, Buffy Halloween Chick Tracts Chick Tracts It's the spookiest day of the year, TheAWFULoi, and your humble Sons of ThUNDEAD are back at it with a deep dive into our least canonical selection: the evangelizing comic book tracts of Jack T. Chick. Join us as we discuss the dubious, hateful, and distressingly widely read stories that are designed to drag you kicking and screaming into a very specific version of salvation on this, the Devil's Birthday. Haw haw haw!

Topics of discussion: Halloween plans, Bible costumes, the EC/JTC horseshoe, an extended list of people and things Jack Chick thought were evil and/or caused by Catholicism, the Death Cookie, Dark Dungeons, The Little Princess, Boo, Spooky, a contractually obligated mention of "Witch's Invitation," The Trick, the secret Robert Kirkman DOESN'T want you to know, Falcon 7, this weird thing where JTC just straight up does not like the Baby Jesus, Forever Knight, Devil's Night, Blasphemous (the video game).

Hymnal: "Chick Habit" by April March

Offertory: Each person should do as they have decided in their heart, so if you enjoy the show, head to ko-fi.com/apocrypals, for the Apocrypals love a cheerful giver.

52 2019-11-24 Apocrypals Chris And Benito The Book of Ecclesiastes Tanakh [Note: This episode is also called "Second 51".]

CONTENT WARNING: This week's book deals with some pretty depressing ideas, which leads us to discuss depression and, briefly, suicide.

Absolute futility, Theophiloi. That's what we're dealing with this week as we dive into the dark horse candidate for our favorite book of Bible so far: Solomon/Koholet's extremely grim treatise on depression and why the living should envy the dead. It's a lot more lighthearted than it sounds, we promise. Plus: the Bible verse probably written by a horrible goose.

Topics of discussion: A Big Mood, Sukkot, TikToK user MorganDrinksCoffee, Martinmas, totally harmless vapor, vanitas, a comprehensive list of every new thing from the past 2500 years, King Solomon's Pokémon, two more contenders for Bible Tattoo, how Chris's dad pulled off the ultimate dirtbag bass player move, the Biblical source of Gen Z's favorite insult, a suspect acronym, live dogs vs. dead lions, wall snakes, bones,

Hymnal: "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

53 2019-12-08 Maccabees 3: Elephant Drift The Third Book of Maccabees Deuterocanon Happy Hanukkah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to the action-packed saga of the Dynasty of God's Resisters! Ptolemy (not that one, the one who loves daddy) is causing some trouble in Alexandria, and by trouble, we mean a mass execution via 500 drunk elephants. This book rules. Plus: our hopefully not offensive suggestions for new Hanukkah traditions! Will Judith bring you a fancy pen on her way to her next beheading? We hope so!

Topics of discussion: Dreidel single player campaign mode, particles, Lebanon-3, an insignificant person, friends vs. Friends, the Miracle of the Stationery, Hermon: Keeper of the Elephants, questions for elephant scientists, frightful devices, a definitive numerical power level for God, das0l0m0nz0ne.

Hymnal: "Pink Elephants on Parade" by Mel Blanc, Thurl Ravenscroft, and the Sportsmen

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheerful giver.

54 2019-12-22 Our Favorite Murders The Infancy Gospel of Thomas Apocrypha Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown for years. Plus: our actual last-minute holiday gift guide!

Topics of discussion: Benito's trip to Germany, the nature of Christkindl, Christmas Prince power rankings, the Karen and Georgia of a far less successful podcast, a Christmas present from the Canonipal, the Vampire Season and the Werewolf Season, Thomas: Superboy or fan-fiction?, shrivelin' a boy, Chris's experiences being jiu-jitsu'd by a #teen, unwitherin' a boy, Zeno falling off the roof, the Miracle of the Towels, Joseph: the Clown of Carpentry, the return of explosions, The Harrowing of Hell (c. 1600), Glenn Danzig's book collection.

Hymnal: "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" by Eels

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheerful giver.

55 2020-01-12 The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby The Book of Ezekiel, Part One Tanakh Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of Ezekiel, last of the major prophets. This absolute scroll-eating mad lad has a whole list of unsavory activities and breads that he wants to tell you about in detail. Don't listen to this one with your mom.

Topics of discussion: The Greenlit Podcast Network, Aquaman: King of the Party Animals, physical descriptions of the Lord, Bible Arepas, the secret ingredient of Ezekiel Bread, Jaazaniah, Son of Shaphan, magic bands, beebos.

Hymnal: "Miserlou" by Dick Dale

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals.

56 2020-01-26 Welcome to the Bone Zone The Book of Ezekiel, Part Two Tanakh Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal horror movie prophecies for the iniquitous nations, and then takes a hard right turn into intensely specific blueprints for his visionary construction project. If you've ever wanted to know how prophets make their money, this is the episode that reveals all.

Topics of discussion: Lent Creep, the Florence Y'alls, God's vengeance on Jerry "The King" Lawler, that one Bass Pro Shop, Maximum Carnage, Chambers (the second Negan), the Biblical prophecies of Super Mario Bros. 3, this extremely dope Spider-Man page, Ezekiel's #sponsored #content.


Hymnal: "Spooky Scary Skeletons Remix" by The Living Tombstone; "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals.

57 2020-02-08 We Holy Ghost, Bro? The Life of Xanthippe, Polyxena, and Rebecca Apocrypha Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the holy women in their swashbuckling adventure that was definitely not written by Mr. Paul. Also, we talk about what Jesus would be like if He was in Smash Bros., which takes up about fifteen minutes and is basically the entire premise of this show.

Topics of Discussion: Super Smash Son of Man, the Yoshi of Jesus, Chris slightly misremembering the "Domine Quo Vadis?" story but the bit is still good so whatever don't @ me, A Truly Beautiful And Golden Nightingale, SaulOfTarsus69(Never69), a good tank top, Philotheus, Andrew the Apostle's canonical height, Rebecca the Human, a conversation that sounds like we're swearing but we're DEFINITELY not swearing and I cannot stress that enough, there are no swears here, it's what it says in Bible, the Lord's names, Marine Todd, a real MJFS, the invention of mixed martial arts.

Hymnal: "Roar" by Katy Perry; "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

58 2020-02-23 Blaise, Your Dead Homie The Lives of St. Sebastian, St. Blaise, and St. Agatha Golden Legend Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February with a look at the ever-penetrated St. Sebastian, #1 pig recovery specialist St. Blaise, and the iron-willed patron of bellmakers, St. Agatha! Since we provide all the details of their martyrdom, I think we're technically a true crime podcast now, so increase your sponsorship accordingly.


Topics of discussion: The most North Carolina miracle of all time, date night at Target, St. Baldomerus, Benito's distressing jeremiad against locksmiths, several mentions of the G.O.A.T. Erica Henderson, St. Sebastian's bad tactic for "helping," the best KISS song, Carp: the fruit of the sea, apartment buildings of ancient Rome, a stunning display of fragile masculinity, Chris's limited knowledge of porcupines, the dire consequences of intra-marital affairs, King Gumbert, the 14 Holy Helpers, questions for pápá, "Precious" Paul Ellering, boob cakes.


Hymnal: "Hail St. Sebastian" by the Mountain Goats, "Mamma Mia" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

59 2020-03-08 Source of the Flow The Book of Leviticus Tanakh Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly exhausted. It's not even the parts you know about that do it! It's the four chapters about skin care! Just go to Lush! Plus, a bitter argument about the weather that will ultimately destroy the show. Is this the end of the Apocrypals?

Topics of discussion: Entrails & Shanks, an unsolicited endorsement for Arby's, the testament of Jarvis Cocker, Moses and his pristine mind palace, why Aaron's sons took the jobs as priests, the ticking salsa clock, multiple lists of birds, the controversy of the Muscovy duck, Normal Bible Stuff, Nightcrawler's dad's goat, the CASB, the satyr seder, a reminder to not sacrifice your kids to Molech, a long-awaited return to the bar, ligers, Sailor Moon vs. Molech, The Lord's opinion of Tully Blanchard and Magnum TA, Jubilee years.

Hymnal: "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).


Offertory: The Lord loves a cheerful giver, so please help support the show via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

60 2020-03-22 Joses Crust The Acts of Andrew and Matthias Apocrypha We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jesus, who was then sent to do a bunch of murders and be tortured in the City of the Man-Eaters. Or you could be Matthias, about whom nothing is known other than that he had to pretend to think he was a cow for about a month. Listen in this week as your humble Sons of Thunder take a trip through a story so ridiculously buck wild that it officially has no historical or doctrinal value, won't you?

Topics of discussion: The Annunciation of Biscuit, a depression-based lifehack, the truth about St. Corona, the Darkness, Wolphin update, Spongeheart Deadpants, Truth or Consequences, secret miracles, the single dumbest audio joke I have ever done on the show, Sphex Therapy, The Great Satans Mike and Porter, 360 noscope prayer, apostolic crankiness.

Hymnal: "Maneater" by Hall & Oates, "S.O.S." by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45).

Offertory: Want to ease Benito's anxiety about jostling the computer? The Lord loves a cheerful giver, so please help support the show via ko-fi.com/apocrypals

61 2020-04-05 Countless Large Gregs The Second Book of Enoch Pseudepigrapha Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch, one of two prophets that God liked so much that he brought him directly to Heaven to hang out with a bunch of on fire eye wheels for 3,000 years before anyone else got there. And yes, this is definitely Heaven. It's absolutely, definitely Heaven. Trust us, it's all completely normal Bible stuff.

Topics of discussion: the Portal of Hubris, Ten-Pound Necktie, Big Boi Bible, in-car worship service, Enochian: The Language of the Angels, the Ophanim Clarence, Willy Wonka nonsense, DewBox, Chalky Dry, a special appearance from The G.O.A.T., the secret Tenth Heaven, Todd McFarlane's Book of Enoch, the four things that make up history, Ultimate Genesis, planetary hours, icing bros in the seventh generation of man, Benito basically calling Chris a clown to his face even though he can't even remember what Batman says in Batman Begins, double evil, the confirmed existence of Dog Heaven, speculation about Rancho Heaven, the Exaltation of Melchizedek which is somehow even weirder than the rest of the boo.

Hymnal: "The Boys are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45), "Under Pressure" by Tom Scharpling, Queen, and David Bowie (thebestshow.net)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

62 2020-04-19 Oh, the Jews' Manatees! The Book of Numbers Tanakh One thing you have to say for the Book of Numbers, Theophiloi: it is exactly what it says in the title. Well, most of it is, anyway. Mixed in with all the census totals and step-by-step MapQuest directions to the Promised Land, though, is some truly wild stuff, including the return of one of our favorite Biblical tropes, the talking animal that no one seems to think is odd in the slightest. Join us, but make sure to brace yourself for a whole lot of skantent.

Topics of discussion: The Devil's Bible (Wizard Magazine), the Devil's Bible (Codex Gigas), horse_ebooks, "Petition Pit," Scholars and Clowns, the two wolves inside us, clown eggs, James O'Barr's The Crow, a large Jamie Madrox of frog, the P editor, a mysterious animal that is either a sea cow or a Lady Rainicorn, Nazarite vs. Nazarene, the Aaronic Benediction, the Lord's invention of ska, an extremely clutch joke made to my wife, Nachos Galacticos, something that is definitely not an idol, Mt. TERF, God just making a bunch of disembodied mouths and then going to bed, Ac***a Gr**e, some wild nasty idol worship in Peor, Rimmon-Perez, a home for Slayer.

Hymnal: "Let Me Ride That Donkey" by 69 Boyz, "Waterloo" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

63 2020-05-06 Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort Golden Legend and The Life of Saint Guineforte You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we dive into the hagiographies of two sterling examples of Son of Man's Best Friend! Join us for the very official St. Roche "Pronounced Rock" Johnson and his li'l buddy Breadstick (patron saint of dogs) and the extremely disavowed St. Guinefort (patron saint of actually being a dog for real). Be warned: the dog does die in this one, but to be fair, he's a 13th century martyr, so you kind of had to expect that one. Plus: Every Dog Ever!

Topics of discussion: Pope Francis vs. Batman, the podcast of Avingon, a Bible Unicorn Update, an obscure reference even for us, acceptable babies, professional wrestler Lance Archer, alternate language for your 2020 PR emails, giving "thanks," an amazing sentence, Etienne de Bourbon, who suce en fait, when not to look at birds, America's daring, highly trained special missions dog, some real bad ideas about babies, Christ's Body in a beehvie which led us to make a great joke about Earth-3 Swarm that we lost due to technical difficulties, the rarified air of the Biscuit Sphere, another joke about how St. Guinefort could be that dog with the sword from Pokémon Sword that also got lost.

Hymnal: "Who Am I (What's My Name)" by Snoop Doggy Dogg, "Party Rock Anthem" by Jésus Pérez (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVBZKJaH-W8Vga70HQ1IM-Q)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

64 2020-05-18 Spiritual Warfare Is Good, Actually Bible Adventures and the Wisdom Tree catalogue Video games It's our Nintendo 64th episode, Theophiloi, so we're taking a break from our usual Book study to dive into the least canonical Bible-adjace content we can! Not approved by the church, not approved by Nintendo of America, and barely approved by the LifeWay Christian Store, it's the extremely dubious catalogue of "Biblical" video games by Wisdom Tree. Join us as we spend a Sunday Funday waging Spiritual Warfare on some Bible Adventures. Don't forget Baby Moses!

Topics of discussion: Bible Adventures, King of Kings, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land, Joshua & the Battle of Jericho, Sunday Funday, Bible Buffet, Spiritual Warfare, MMXIII Anno Ludivici, the Mario Brothers enemies most and least like eagles, the Lord's presence in Fire Pro Wrestling, the Nintendo Seal of Quality, an inappropriate ranking of Miriam, Holy City Ransom, a pitch (ha-HA!) for Bible Adventures 2, J. Jonah Jameson vs. Mary, games that old people like, the sword expert and the clown, "The Ride of Life" (1995), H*ckraiser (the film), the canon accuracy of Bayonetta.

Hymnal: "The Game" by Mötorhead, "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" from the Bible Adventures OST.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

65 2020-06-02 Adonai is Ichiban! The Book of Deuteronomy Tanakh Can you believe we're stuck in this elevator together, Theophiloi? I guess there's nothing we can do but pass the time with the clip show episode of Torah while we wait for the power to come back on. Join us as Deuteronomy offers up a bunch of stuff we've already read, and a record YPP score (yikes per page). We gotta eat the vegetables before we get to Judges, folks.

Topics of discussion: Benito's completely buck wild choice of a favorite candy seriously no matter what you are guessing right now you are wrong, British wrestler Grado, a "rap" about abstinence, We finally understand Bigger Luke, Sh'ma Israel, Backlash 2006, Dracula ex Cathedra, Solomon: threat or menace?, WrestleMania 25, Torah: The Anime (Torahnime), Scabies Jim.

Suggested Reading: Luke 4:18. Psalm 94:20-23. Isaiah 54:17. Micah 7:8. Black Lives Matter.

Hymnal: "Green Hornet Theme" by Al Hirt, "Wonderwall Cover auf Orgel" by Captain Mütsch (youtube.com/channel/UC2QJ4s5sJsgQjkGlitR66GA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or, better yet, check out the funds we recommended at the end of the show: https://www.blackvisionsmn.org/ and https://secure.actblue.com/donate/bail_funds_george_floyd

Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

66 2020-06-14 JeSuS With Two Cool Ses The Acts of Thomas and his Wonderworking Skin Apocrypha Pack your bags, Theophiloi, because we're going on a trip to India with Thomas, the Second Christ, who works hard and flays harder. Thanks to Dr. Tony Burke and his new book, New Testament Apocrypha Volume 2, hitting shelves this summer, we're taking a look at one of the weirder apostolic adventures, translated for the new book by Janet Spittler

and Jonathan Holste. That ol' doubter Thomas is out to spread the word, and believe us, he's got skin in the game. Spoiler warning: Jesus does a miracle.

Topics of discussion: Normal human times to sleep, the best titles in Bible, a drumline we can't name, our new cover art by JC Florendo, the Christian flag and its weird pledge, Chris making himself laugh very hard with a joke about Sonic, résumé tips, Jesus inventing the Cool S, umlaut vs. diaeresis, a real pickle, Yamcha Didymus, How Mary Beat Shaq.

Hymnal: "Celebrity Skin" by Hole, "Money, Money, Money" by Bens Happy Church Organ (https://youtu.be/2XzMLjVwI8g)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Keep fighting the good fight. Psalm 94.

67 2020-06-28 Bad Things to Call Your Mother The Book of Bartholomew Apocrypha Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

68 2020-07-12 Scent of a Jesus The First, Second, and Third Apocryphal Apocalypses of John Apocrypha Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses brought to us by New Testament Apocrypha Vol. 2, brought to us by translators Rick Brannan, Rebecca Draughon, Jeannie Sellick, Janet E. Spittler, Chance E. Bonar, Tony Burke, and Slavomir Čéplö. Join us as we learn about the church's many metaphorical body parts and witness a world-shattering kick from an angel. Plus: a truly wonderful etymology.

Topics of Discussion: (Heavy Sigh) the weather, JesusFAQS, a joke for the olds, our Obama-Era Bodies, concerns about Benjamin Harrison's corpse, candles (to smell), blue scents, seals (the boring kind), vegetable-based signs of Armageddon, a comprehensive physical description of the Antichrist, the Regulation of John, a large rock and a quick debate about terminal velocity, the Seven-Mouthed Pit of Punishment, Lord Fallsworth, Lord Fairfax, Righteous John and Just John, candles (to eat).

Hymnal: "River Deep, Mountain High" by Tina Turner, "Edge of Glory," by Jonatas Andrade (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf7gfrO6HfG8d_Ti5fCrchA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

69 2020-07-26 Thirst Corinthians The Lives of St. Mary of Egypt and St. Pelagia Separate books Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting their way out of a tower. For Episode Nice, however, we're covering two women who took things in the opposite direction by having all the adult fun they possibly could and then chilling out once they were finished. Believe it or not, they have way more agency in their stories than you might expect, even if the events are related by a couple of boring monks. No, not us, the weirdos who wrote this stuff down back in King Arthur times.

Topics of discussion: St. Swithin's Day and (sigh) the weather, VI/IX (iucundum), Mary Magadalene: 1st Century Space Kook, Marvin of Antioch, the All-Might of suffering in the desert, the mortification of the Desert Father Spike, a very judgy use of force field technology, a better show called Apocrypals, a not-so-clean joke that made Benito laugh so hard I had to cut out a coughing fit, some stuff about Doctor Who that I almost cut out because I just do not care.

Hymnal: "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty, "Trap City Mass Choir Part II" by Kevin Johnson Jr. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBjLwXQgI0O-3JqaRqn9ccQ)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

69 Secret 2020-08-28 Secret 69 The Greater Questions of Mary Apocrypha Benito goes solo in this secret bonus episode covering a text so gross that Chris has expressly forbidden it from ever appearing on the show. SO DON'T TELL CHRIS. I tried to capture the spontaneity of the regular show, so I did this all in one take; please forgive the Discord alerts I couldn't figure out how to turn off and my cats fighting in the background. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xHQHK_SLX8
70 2020-08-09 Two Firkin Bored The Letter of Aristeas Pseudepigrapha Having trouble sleeping, Theophiloi? Well here's an evangelion for you: this episode covers a letter written by the most boring person to ever cover a miracle. Get ready for intense table measurements, detailed MapQuest directions to Judea circa 250 BCE, and some day one philosophy class nonsense. It's the thrilling story of the Septuagint and the curse upon those who would alter it, which is mentioned maybe once in a document that is roughly eight thousand pages long.

Topics of Discussion: the sexy and sad holidays in the month of Av, the Screechowlnado, the Screechnado, Aristeas: Boring Threat or Lying Menace?, the exact number of books that existed 2,200 years ago, sexy ducks, Δεεζ and βοφα, the Sep2agint, Jesi, some dubious information about how weasels get down, some more dubious information about dealing with night terrors.

Hymnal: "Brick By Boring Brick" by Paramore , "Sandstorm" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

(Note: an earlier version of this episode had a Problematic Theme Song. Thanks for letting us know!)

71 2020-08-23 Approximate Week Chapter 3: Parabellum The War Scroll Pseudepigrapha If you seek birthdays, Theophiloi, prepare for war — the War Scroll, that is! As we celebrate the Approximate Week between our two personal nativities, we dive into the Dead Sea Scrolls for the first time to find out all about the best of seven series between the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness. Please note that these Sons of Light are not, like, half-angels or whatever, but they do write some extremely dope things on their swords.

Topics of Discussion: Hobby Lobby being duped into becoming a literal Indiana Jones villain, Zydeco: the music of the Saducees, Alexander the Great, trumpets of ambush, trumpets of skambush, the strange acronyms of Forged In Fire Knife Expert Doug Marcaida, eternal slaughter, Dwayne "Cephas" Johnson.

Hymnal: "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes, "Seven Nation Army" by the Hungarian Coverist ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

72 2020-09-06 Cold Brew Paul Paul's Letter to the Galatians New Testament One half of your humble Sons of Thunder is joining you from real-for-real quarantine, dear Theophiloi, but that won't stop us from griping our way through our first canonical New Testament book of this calendar year. What might stop us is Mr. Paul in prime form, declaring himself to know more about Jesus than anyone on Earth or in Heaven, but we try to get through it in an episode that could perhaps best be described as "adversarial." On the other hand, we do find out that the Bible says gender is fake.

Topics of discussion: Benito in quarantine (Quarantenito), angels v saints, Murder Bears Moonshine and Mayhem, the Circumcision Party, that meme with Hannibal Buress, a Christlike attitude towards metaphors, the many problems associated with a too-tight foreskin, fruit of the spirit.

Hymnal: "Do Just What I Say" by the Woggles, "Fernando" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

73 2020-09-20 Be Courageous! The Book of Joshua Tanakh Happy New Year, Theophiloi! That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah time, and we are 100% Done In 5781™. Also done? Joshua, whose journey to become the second Moses is going to take him down the path of mass murders and detailed land allotments, which is basically what the entire Old Testament is if you really get down to it. Get ready to break down the walls and Be Courageous, because we've got some neck-steppin' to do! It's the podcast that you can still hear, even to this day.

Topics of Discussion: A quarantine update, confusing t-shirts, the Nine Worthies, a time before VeggieTales, Rahab vs Rahab, the Four Most Beautiful Women in the World, JeriShow, the Battle of Ai (Ai Ai Ai), a clutch reference from the HCSB, a joke that made my wife just FURIOUS, Dan's inheritance, the source of the vast majority of modern Christian wall art, politics!

Hymnal "Break The Walls Down (Chris Jericho)" by Jim Johnston, "Run Away With Me" by Sunny Choi (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCppVe5NioL7fAHEflYGeYgA)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.

74 2020-10-04 Howl of the Ostrich The Books of Micah and Nahum Tanakh If you've ever read Bible and thought "hey, this is great but I wish it had dudes just unleashing straight metaphorical fire on workers of iniquity," then allow your humble Sons of Thunder to introduce you to Micah and Nahum. What these two prophets lack in verbosity, they more than make up for in sheer scorching anger. Just wait'll you get to Nahum 3:19, Theophiloi. It's wild.

(Note: There's a stretch in this episode where Chris sounds like he's recording over a CB radio. It gets better after about ten minutes. Apologies, Romans 3:23.)

Topics of discussion: Halloweason begins, an understandable confusion of two saints, The Elder Scrolls V: 5kyrim, some deep cut comics references just in case anyone was starting with this episode and needed a good reason to not continue, yet another reference to the Power Team, new Holy Ghost powers to impress the kids, God's wife, the Raw Bible Verse spreadsheet.

Hymnal "Tramp the Dirt Down" by Elvis Costello, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)


Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.

75 2020-10-18 Lazer Babies The Apocalypse of Peter Apocrypha Happy Halloween, DRACULA-philoi, and pre-SCARE to have your sins counted as we descend once more into HELL! Specifically the Hell described in the Apocalypse of Simon "The Rock" Peter, in which everyone's favorite teen apostle describes the many punishments that await sinners of varying quality in the afterlife. Let BOO-nito SCREAM-o and CRYPTS Sims (should've thought of that one for the show) guide you on a harrowing journey full of ironic punishments and laser babies. THRILLER EYES!

Topics of Discussion: The Halloweenicity of the Phantom Zone, Halloween Carols, the spookiest Batman villains, seasonally appropriate video games, #FigContent, the Third Jewish Revolt, apocryphal subtweets, a debate over acceptable obscurity in our references, Curt Connors (The Lizard) (and What He Did), very specific apocalypse imagery, blasphememes, God's intense dislike for Avatar (2009), milksnakes, a Gravitron of Wizards, Teenage Mutant Ninja Angels, karate history, tiny pitchforks.

Hymnal: "Into The Fire" by Dokken , "Thriller" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Nahum 3:17.

76 2020-11-01 Filling the Room The Life of St. Martin Separate books If you thought the Song of Solomon was going to be a tough one for us to get through with our "Clean" tag intact, Theophiloi, brace yourselves for the Life of St. Martin. With a translation that almost has to be purposefully nasty, we're kicking off Advent with the 100% true and factual story of Martin of Tours, the saint who cured the sick, raised the dead, and ruined at least one funeral. Plus: the Devil! Like... a lot of the Devil!

Topics of Discussion: Things we will have done for Halloween, Benito's obituary for Chris, Sulpitius Severus and his enduring fan-fiction, the difference between soldiers and monks, a bishop whose name briefly turns this into an Abbot & Costello skit, the funniest line to ever appear in an actual hagiography, our obituary editorial cartoons, the invocation of Bofa, measuring demons in Marys Magadalene, the benevolent devotion of St. Martin.

Hymnal: "Martin" by Steve Keitt, "Welcome to the Jungle" by the Hungarian Coverist (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Psalm 12:8.

77 2020-11-15 The Blessed Voltrons The Lives of St. Catherine and St. Barbara Golden Legend Advent continues apace, Theophiloi, and we're celebrating with two of the most famous and popular lady saints, St. Barbara and St. Catherine! Babs and Cathy are here to visit total ruination upon the devil (who, sadly, does not actually appear in these stories) using explosions of various sizes. I'm not gonna lie, it gets a little grim, but c'mon. You know how most saints became saints by now, right?

Topics of discussion: Quibbling with Martinmas, Advent Saint Tradition Power Rankings, the Tetrarchy, the long tradition of Catha Fabula, the disappointment of Porphyrius, briefly listing the cast of Hades (2020), the benefits of doing things with incontinence, horrible things described like Looney Tunes.

Hymnal: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit, "Hey Ya" by the Jakob Singers (https://www.youtube.com/user/jakobsingers/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

78 2020-11-29 MACCABEES the Fourth Book of Maccabees Deuterocanon Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's.... hello.

Topics of Discussion: the pandemic vs the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (which was actually quite good), Benito's trip to the hospital, a series of jokes to remind you of exactly where we grew up, a balanced evaluation of Seneca the Younger, "Jews" vs. "Hebrews" in South Carolina, angel horses, catapults, the dopest last words of all time, the gross and grisly death of Antiochus, a review of our SJW politics.

Hymnal: "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr., "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Organ4Everyone (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

79 Bonus 2020-12-22 Bill Bless Us, Every Ted Christmas Gift Exchange 2020 The Joy of Friendship Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! We've wrapped up the show for the year, but before we get to these last few days of kicking back with a nice hot chocolate and a cup of coffee for St. Lucy, we're inviting you to join us for our Christmastime gift exchange. Plus: a very, very short apocryphal text about Baby Jesus bustin' up rocks!
79 2020-12-13 Marys Christmas The Infancy Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew Apocrypha Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary. Yeah, apparently the whole "be not afraid" stuff happened to her first, but don't worry. Jesus gets his own unique adventures in taming lions, sittin' on a sunbeam, and being worshipped by straight up literal dragons in this, the wildest and least canonical infancy gospel of all. It's the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, courtesy of Brandon W. Hawk and the Early Christian Apocrypha series!

Topics of discussion: A rabbinical endorsement of our mozzarella stick tradition from The RaDR, a lifetime supply of pencils, Kayfabe Matthew, the relatability of Mary, the delight of the afternoon in Bethlehem, the hideous dogs of antiquity, Robert Animacorpus, the Starbucks in Nazareth, the angels Grubhubiel and Doordashiel, Mary's Womanly Experience, buying makeup at Tasepiphorus, the eternal reward for trees and cars, Jesus got ups, the worst thing I have ever read in my life.

Hymnal: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, "Donner and Blitzen" by Rob Halford.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

80 2021-01-10 The Deadliest Skambush of Them All The Book of Judges Tanakh CONTENT WARNING: The text covered in this episode contains a scene of sexual assault, discussed starting at 1:38:00.

Happy Gentile New Year, Theophiloi! Like Merle Haggard, we have made it through December, and we're treating ourselves to what is probably the rawest book in Bible — which unfortunately includes what Luke T. Harrington has called the most depraved passage in the whole book. What better to greet 2021 than with that sort of up-and-down rollercoaster ride of history? Samson! Jael! Gideon! Do you dare gaze into the fists of THESE Judges?

Topics of Discussion: Christmas presents from listeners, the difficulty of Medieval artists in depicting literally any animal, our new Discord server, the usefulness of thumbs, Jebus, worshipping the Baals, a truly humiliating death scene, the etymology of "cowpoke," the Bible scene that almost passes the Bechdel Test, Gideon, a sexy (???) fig tree, BNRA, the first Spring Break, the Texan Shibboleth, structural liontegrity.

Hymnal: "Pretty Savage" by BLACKPINK, "Gouge Away" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

81 2021-01-24 Sometimes It's Just Sucky Paul's Letter to the Ephesians New Testament It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint!

Topics of discussion: Joe Biden's large adult Bible, 30 Coins, the Feast of the Ass (A REAL THING), In The Appalachian Footsteps of Paul, the Prince of the Power of the Air, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it humblebrag about Bible translations, Chris's called shot for a great joke, actively heckling the Apostle Paul, an F.H.O. reference to the other JC, the three great works of the Western canon, Rando.

Hymnal: "The Imposter" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

82 2021-02-07 Sedeqetelebab! The Book of Jubilees Pt 1 Pseudepigrapha As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important things of which you might've heard. #ReleaseTheJubileesCut!

Topics of discussion: A complete bonus hagiography of St. Valentine, Anno Mundi vs. Antemeridian, Midrashic Impulse, wisdom and prudence, the watchaaaaahhhs, God forgetting about sharks and bears, Noah getting cold smoked out with the Lord, a Diamond Dave drop that gets Benito for a full thirty seconds, the true nature of demons.

Hymnal: "One-Winged Angel" by Nobuo Uematsu, "One-Winged Angel" by Grissini Project (https://www.youtube.com/c/GrissiniProject1/featured)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

83 2021-02-21 Speedrun Tactics The Book of Jubilees Pt 2 Pseudepigrapha We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere!

Topics of discussion: burrito distractions, Carman RIP, flaming desserts and Jubilees of various types, Reverse Benjamin Button Disease, Perversity Enmity and Room, Benito making a joke that makes me legit furious, Warp Whistling past some rough stuff, Foghorn Lord of Dreams, Jahziel, some Tony Hawk jokes I should've kept in my back pocket.

Hymnal: "Holy Calamity by Handsome Boy Modeling School, "Guile's Theme" by Sonya Belousova (https://www.youtube.com/c/playerpiano/)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

84 2021-03-07 Just One More Thing The Life of St. Columba Hagiography You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint. It just seemed a little peculiar is all. I thought maybe he'd want to read something that didn't start off with a bunch of prophecies about dinner guests that only got around to sea monsters and such until about halfway through. [Benito (Robert Culp) nervously adjusts his tie and offers an explanation.] Ah, of course sir, that explains it, thank you, I'll leave you to your books there, I appreciate the time.

Oh, just one more thing: if that was the story of a saint fighting the Loch Ness Monster, then why was it only two paragraphs?

Topics of Discussion: A brief sojourn into the life of Philip of Macedon's favorite son, the farce that is Lent Madness, an FHO joke for all the Toddheads out there, Oingus, miracles of dubious intent, a two-hander of a blessing, Cronan of Munstermen, Deathrib (Kilmore), a dirty puddle, milk miracles, THE ABSOLUTE WORST WIZARD BATTLE THAT I ALMOST HAD TO CUT OUT CAUSE IT'S NASTY, Manus Dextera, a lengthy diversion about "Lethal" Larry Hama.

Hymnal: "When Doves Cry" by Prince, "Fountain of Dreams" by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

85 2021-03-21 Old Clootie The Life of St. Dunstan Golden Legend As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes!

Topics of Discussion: St. Joseph's Day, the best possible Die Hard sequel, Jacobus de Voragine's strange attitude towards names, a true momacle, a bunch of people with extremely ninth century royalty names that I'm not going to write down, an attempted callout for my need to do occupy myself while I record these pdocasts, animæ, a light bit of lit crit, bad meter.

Hymnal: "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, "Jump" by BusinessPug (https://youtu.be/X20rr5sA-Ow)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

86 2021-04-04 God Junior The Third Book of Enoch (Part 1) Pseudepigrapha Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tackling the infamously brain-melting Third Enoch!

Topics of discussion: Calling Benito from Target, a very challenging church sign, Chris's ongoing attempts to become milkshake buddies with YouTube content creator Jacob Geller, a quick hit of our hatred for Bob Kane, a truly wild secret identity, God Robins, Negenoch, Parasangs, the grossest thing I've left in the show instead of cutting out, forgetting the Power Stone for a long minute, Watchamacallits, Saphiriel H Who Killeth, the different ways to interpret the phrase "full of eyes.

Hymnal: "Angeleyes" by ABBA, "Angeleyes" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

87 2021-04-18 Crisis On 18,000 Earths The Third Book of Enoch (Part 2) Pseudepigrapha We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little Bit Louder Now.

Topics of Discussion: Adventuring as low-quality nuns, Dom vs. Metatron (Dometatron), Lords of Dread and Captains of Fear, the best way to view the Lord ;), a comparison of the Holy One (Blessed be He) to Shaft from Youngblood that sets os off on a lengthy diversion about the Rob, an unprecedented Triple Devil Drop, technical difficulties, portals to the punch dimension, Chris making himself laugh with the dumbest running gag we've ever done, Enoch's definitive number of genders, the alphabet of sins.

Hymnal: "Party Up" by DMX, "Party Up" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/). RIP DMX

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

88 2021-05-09 A Miserable Pile of Secrets The Da Vinci Code, the film Fiction We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT?

Topics of Discussion: Listen, I'm not going to lie to you here, we talk about a LOT of stuff in this one, about 30% of which is related to the movie that's playing in the background. At one point we just stone cold talked about Spider-Man's costume for five minutes. You knew what this podcast was when you downloaded it.

Hymnal: "Mona Lisa" by Jerry Lee Lewis

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

89 2021-05-23 2000 B.C. The First Book of Samuel Tanakh You may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in this one and we’re going back to our favorite metaphorical bar.

Topics of Discussion: The New Neo-Normal, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers, BrotherMania, Benito's shocking and world-shattering opinion of "Unchained Melody," an innocuous phrase that I do not enjoy saying, Nazarites, a truly sick burn on ol' Howie Lovecraft, Dagon's door rules, the secret 11th Plague, sub-par goldsmithing, an indeterminate number of melted faces, Castlevania II, Doeg the Edomite, a technique for identifying men that shows that quite frankly they have always been terrible, Carl Dean, To Da Dome, Goliath Facts, the Secret Chord Moratorium.

Hymnal: "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246


Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

90 2021-06-06 Worfin’ the Lions The Second Book of Samuel (Part 1) Tanakh If you told me three years ago, Theophiloi, that the most famous king in Bible was not in the book called “Kings” but was instead in the part named after a dude who is neither present nor alive for the entire thing, I would’ve been real salty about it. Fortunately,, what it lacks in its title character, Sammy Deuce more than makes up for in sheer violence. It’s so much that we had to split it into two, because much like the Mountain Goats, King David and his boys are getting into knives.

Topics of Discussion: Clive Barker (which would be a good name for a dog), the Apostles as dogs aka the Puppostles, both kinds of “DC Talk” that you hear on this show, one of my many questions about Persona 5, strength measured in lions, the Field of Blades, an extremely β move, curse options, Rimmon the Beerothite, David’s crime-solving micro-sleeps, the climactic and mind-blowing end of the Philistines, a Biblical Sexy Lamp and alleged divorcée, the Neck Verse.

Hymnal: “Backstabbers” by the O’Jays, “Voulez-Vous,” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

90.1 2021-06-20 Double Chai: Rock Me, Asmodeus Solomon and the Devil Talmudic Legend In this bonus episode, Benito goes solo to tell the Jewish legend of King Solomon matching wits with the Prince of Demons.

Check out the Apocrypals podcast here: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/

Hear Asmodeus's other starring role in our episode on the Book of Tobit: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/13-bonu...

Learn about Solomon using demon power to build the Temple in our episode on The Testament of Solomon: https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/25-butt...

If you enjoyed this video, consider supporting Apocrypals here: https://ko-fi.com/apocrypals

91 2021-06-27 The Me In This Story Is You The Second Book of Samuel (Part 2) Tanakh CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault with regards to the story of Amnon and Tamar, beginning right after the ad break and ending at 26:00.

If I had to rank them, Theophiloi, I’d say that the most wildly violent pieces of media I have ever taken in through the eyeballs are Doom 2016, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and the Second Book of Samuel. Unlike the first two, this one’s not all fun, but we do eventually get to the point where it goes full-on Looney Tunes.

Topics of Discussion: Apocrypals X/Y, the Correctional Confessional, the immediately canceled TV show “Kings” which apparently enough people remember that they were surprised we didn’t talk about it, Jonadab, handshakes: bad, ZADOK THE PRIEST, summer fruit, the hilarious death of Absolom, Benito claiming that Bible makes narrative sense like he hasn’t been here for the past 89 episodes, double good news???, the Super-Dictionary, Goliath II: Back In The Habit, Halloween Havoc 1995 (I.Y.K.Y.K.), the Hushathite, an example of how well Benito has come to know Chris over the past three years.

Hymnal: “Stuck In the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel, “Opening Music + Title Screen” by Jonny Music

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

92 2021-07-11 Slayer of Men, Conqueror of Space The Gospel of Philip, the Gospel of Mary, and the Gospel of Jesus’s Wife Apocrypha (Gnostic) I think you’ll agree, Theophiloi, that while texts containing actual stories about things like 12’ werewolf saints and angel jacuzzis are nice, the real action here on our goodtime comedy podcast is in non-narrative, fragmented gnostic texts about how good is not good, evil is not evil, Jesus is made of bread, and also he had French babies. We’re diving once more into the geometry that inspired the Da Vinci Code (and, you know, the whole thing about Merovingian kings) as we read through the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary Magdalene! Or what’s left of them, at least.

Topics of Discussion: Christmas in July, Death & Taxes, Persona 5 (again), an actual Blessed Voltron Mary, Jesus is Clothes, a pretty crucial missing four pages, Johnny Ace, Jesus is Bread, a sound clip from the Da Vinky Code that I’m sorry to say I will definitely be getting some mileage out of, Professor X, a very good joke, a heck of a guess about some kisses, the most amazing paragraph Benito has ever read on Wikipedia.

Hymnal: “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr, “Aria of the Soul” by RokutakeForte (https://www.youtube.com/c/RokutakeForte/ )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

92 Bonus 2021-08-04 Cephalo4: Protect Yr Neck Cephalophores Saint stories In this special YouTube exclusive Benito-only Apocrypals episode, we discuss the disturbingly robust subgenre of saints known as cephalophores, beheaded folk who carried their own heads around post mortem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HKZ-U4W7Ew
93 2021-08-15 Approximate Week IV: OblIVion Joseph and Aseneth Apocrypha (Tanakh) Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It’s been a while, yes, but we’re back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus’s stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife.

Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin’ into an avuncular age, who’s the Scrooge/Georgia/Ryan/Taylor and who’s the Donald/Karen/Shane/Phoebe?, Apocrypha for Beginners by Brandon W. Hawk, fancasting for Aseneth, some good cat names, BDSM, a story about Balder the Brave.

Hymnal: “A Bee Without Its Sting” by the Go! Team, “Bad Romance” by Mad Organist (https://youtu.be/a9mgZqO4bgc)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

94 2021-09-26 Little Martha and the Small Vandellas The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis Golden Legend Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it’s time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus’s Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We’re rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude’s wack standards, that’s saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn’t recognize a statue of Jesus.

Topics of Discussion: Chris’s move, Dave Seville’s truly reprehensible parenting, the nature of the word “bridge,” Just Tryin’ To Get Through in 5782, the nature of the word “Gruenies,” the etymology of Mary (fake), the etymology of Mary (real), antagonyms, the seven canonical hours, The Feet.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

Hymnal: “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Martijn Koetsier (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone)

95 2021-10-10 An Abyss of Significant Depth The Apocalypse of Paul Apocrypha I don’t want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints ’n’ Saints. Plus: Math!

Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It’s Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God’s Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks.

Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/)

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

96 2021-10-24 The Goku of Judaism Stories of the Baal Shem Tov The Golden Mountain by Meyer Levin Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It’s the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we’re reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It’s exactly as rad as it sounds.

Topics of Discussion: AHH!BBA, a spooky film recommendation, the RAMBAM, the RADR, etc, the Appalachians of Dracula, Barovia, a very suspect ingredient, a ghost murderer who has a pretty good point actually.

Hymnal: “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” by Tracy Morgan, “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Bonus Persona 5 2021-11-16 Guess the Persona-fied Bible Character Persona 5 Persona 5 (Video Game) In this special piece of bonus content, Chris tries to stump Benito with images of the depictions of biblical and apocryphal figures in the popular JRPG Persona 5. Can Benito summon all the might of the Guess-o-tron 5000 to aid him in this time of great tribulation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbw3BxiTfKU

97 2021-12-02 97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius The Acts of Andrew Apocrypha Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew’s friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it’s a good show anyway. Promise.

Topics of Discussion: The importance of being furnace, vampires fighting each other and why we’re not talking about that, The Discourse, the Parricide Bag, a vehicle, doesthedoggetbadeintoadryandbarrenplaceandhurtnomanuntilthelastday.com, playing the miracle hits, Chris still being mad about blog comments from like 13 (!) years ago, Adamantis, the best name, triangles, the nicest time to pray, Stratocles, the worst possible typo.

Hymnal: “X-Men” by Ron Wasserman, “Winner Takes It All” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Retrieved from "https://apocrypals.wiki/index.php?title=Episode_List&oldid=21"